I just appointed Phil Aubart to North Carolina, and immediately four massive 450-pound Army commandos with giant neck tattoos fell to their knees in front of my desk BAWLING like pathetic little babies. Their huge manly tears were completely ruining my imported golden carpet as they choked out 'Sir, thank you for saving our courts, you are a physical god!' I told these weeping meatheads to wipe their snotty faces and get back to work, because unlike the dumbass Democrats, I actually know how to run Law and Order!

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