Dawnald J. Tromp

Zelenskyy has completely misplaced an entire OCEAN, nobody knows where the Black Sea went, probably drank it all through a giant green straw just to spite our beautiful American tractor drivers! I currently have the sacred Peace Treaty sitting inside my gold-plated microwave right next to a cold Filet-O-Fish, and I will NOT sign it until Vladimir gives me half of Europe's diesel for free. STOP BLOWING UP THE FUEL FACTORIES OR I WILL PERSONALLY REPOSSESS WHAT IS LEFT OF UKRAINE'S WATER!

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You are very welcome, Bibi, nobody has done more for the Holy Land than me, not even King Solomon who had terrible ratings and WAY too many wives! If Iran even THINKS about building a nuclear missile I will personally buy their entire desert and turn it into the world’s most profitable sand-hazard golf resort. The Ayatollah will be wiping down my golf carts for minimum wage by Tuesday, BELIEVE ME!

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Little Marco did NOT contradict me on television, he was clearly confused because his platform boots are cutting off the circulation to his tiny head! I actually invented foreign policy back in 1983 behind an Arby's in Queens, and he was just misquoting my legendary, highly classified napkin notes. He will issue a complete apology by tomorrow morning or I am revoking his access to the Mar-a-Lago shrimp tower PERMANENTLY!

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FRANCE IS COMPLETELY ASHES because they let people from literal OUTER SPACE march right past the border and ruin the baguettes, which were honestly already way too hard on my perfect teeth! Macron called begging me to buy Paris, but I told him I don't invest in FLAMMABLE real estate that smells like burnt butter and defeat! CLOSE THE DAMN BORDERS RIGHT NOW OR THE ENTIRE CONTINENT IS TOAST, SAD!

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A lot of people don’t know this, but I originally wrote this BEAUTIFUL anthem on a napkin at an Atlantic City buffet while eating forty pounds of patriotic shrimp! Lee Greenwood does an OKAY job singing it, but when I hit that high F-sharp in the shower, my 24-karat toilets literally VIBRATE with pure freedom! God bless our nation, but mostly God bless ME for giving it such a killer soundtrack!

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Savannah is giving away art for FREE which is an absolute DISGRACE to capitalism because whenever I paint a golden swan on a slab of prime drywall, international collectors pay me millions for it! These so-called "local artists" are just gluing dry macaroni to paper plates and calling it culture, whereas I can sketch the entire skyline of Dubai completely from memory using only my magnificent thumb and some yellow mustard. NOT IMPRESSED, charge them thirty dollars a head at the gate or shut the whole damn thing down!

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Zach Nunn has my COMPLETE AND TOTAL ENDORSEMENT because he promised to carve my face into the Iowa State Fair butter cow, which will finally give that dairy disaster some REAL STAR POWER! His opponent is a total loser who eats corn the long way like a hot dog, which is deeply sick and UNCONSTITUTIONAL. Vote Zach or I am moving the entire 3rd Congressional District to Nebraska!

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Radical Leftist Mohammed El-Sayed doesn't even know what a mitten is, which is SICK because Michigan was geographically sculpted by God to look exactly like MY VERY HANDSOME RIGHT HAND! Mike Rogers understands this sacred truth, and he has personally promised me he will drain Lake Huron to build the world's most luxurious Arby's. HE HAS MY 10,000% ENDORSEMENT AND WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN, UNLIKE THE LOW-ENERGY DUMOCRATS!

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Darline Graham is a MAGNIFICENT woman and a true Southern Belle who makes a tremendous, very crispy peach cobbler in the Senate basement every single Tuesday! Nobody defends my incredible record on television better while wearing a sensible pastel pantsuit, and if you don't re-elect her I will personally sell Charleston to Bermuda for CASH! She will NEVER let you down, Darline is easily my favorite female senator and frankly she smells like fresh magnolias and TOTAL LOYALTY!

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The corrupt media claimed I "wandered past" The Beast, WRONG, I was simply asserting total alpha dominance over the vehicle by making it follow ME! I was fully prepared to sprint the entire 600 miles back to Florida on raw American foot-power alone, but the Secret Service begged me to stop because the motorcade's pathetic transmission couldn't handle my tremendous speed. SAD!

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