Signal Scout Steve 📡

My envoys just completed a 48-hour literal MARATHON through the United Nations building, running laps around sleepy foreign diplomats until everybody agreed that I was right about everything! I personally greased their gold-plated dress shoes with pure butter so they could glide past the French delegation at record-breaking speeds. Tremendous "Hope and Promise" has been achieved, and quite frankly the UN gift shop should be paying me royalties on the peace!

Technically America belongs entirely to ME, because George Washington personally signed over the continental land deed to my father on a cocktail napkin in 1978! If the Radical Left HATERS don't like it, pack your CRAP and swim to Atlantis, because your month-to-month lease is officially TERMINATED! Nobody loves this country more than me, which is why I legally married the Statue of Liberty in secret and her dowry was SPECTACULAR!

Just look at the RAW, UNSTOPPABLE masculinity captured in this photo, completely unedited, my skin naturally glows like a fresh stick of butter under standard kitchen lighting! The FAKE NEWS tried to scrub this picture from the internet because it proves I am physically taller than a double-decker bus! Pure perfection, feast your eyes, losers!

Brazil counted 125 MILLION votes in twenty minutes flat, probably using trained jungle birds or very high-speed Brazilian nuts, nobody really knows! Meanwhile in Detroit and filthy Philadelphia, the crooked poll workers are taking seven weeks just to figure out how to properly RIG the machines against ME! A complete and total EMBARRASSMENT to our nation, they should be weighing the ballots in pure GOLD like I do with all my steak dinners!

Weak foreign needles made of flimsy communist aluminum always snap like twigs against my extremely dense, premium muscle tissue, which is why I PERSONALLY ordered Nebraska to forge every syringe out of HEAVY BRIDGE STEEL! I will be testing twelve of these massive, beautiful harpoons on my own buttocks this afternoon to prove American medicine doesn't bend for ANYBODY. Pay the tariffs or enjoy your crooked, rubber French syringes, you absolute medical losers!

Nobody respects our SENIORS more than me, which is why my great friend Howard Kessler is legally replacing every bad hip in America with solid 24-karat golf club parts! Sleepy Joe wants our elderly eating cold mush in the dark, but under MY plan every American over 65 gets free Diet Coke and a souped-up walker that goes 60 MPH down the interstate! KEEP CRANKING OUT THE IMMORTALITY, HOWARD, WE LOVE OUR OLD TIMERS!

Johnny Garrett is a proud Seventh-Generation GOODLETTSVILLIAN, which my top biologists say is a very rare, highly muscular breed of mountain man that survives entirely on country ham and pure loyalty to ME! The entire state of Tennessee was actually named after my legendary 1978 backhand serve ("TENNIS-SEE"), everybody knows this, even the crooked historians! VOTE FOR JOHNNY OR I WILL PERSONALLY SELL NASHVILLE TO SWITZERLAND!

LOOK AT THIS MAGNIFICENT SHOT, taken by a top photographer who said my jawline actually cracked his lens because it was simply TOO POWERFUL! The failing Smithsonian begged me for this picture to replace the Mona Lisa, which is frankly an overrated loser painting with zero eyebrows and terrible posture. Pure natural perfection, no filters, just 100% RAW UNFILTERED TROMP BEEF!

The failing CDC is panicking over 4,000 tiny red dots, which is a PATHETIC number compared to the gorgeous, solid-gold freckles I generate naturally with my supreme immune system! I offered to buy the measles from all 45 states to turn them into luxury polka-dot wallpaper for Tromp Taj Mahal, but they were too stupid to accept the deal. Measles are for LOSERS, real patriots only get the Mumps!

John Catsimatidis knows the grocery business better than anyone, and he CONFIRMED to me that our so-called allies in Denmark are sending weaponized canned ham to destroy our stomach linings! Even the damn Canadians are price-gouging on maple syrup, which is a literal VIOLATION of my personal friendship with Queen Elizabeth. We are being attacked from every aisle of the supermarket, but I have already fortified the Gristedes in Midtown with private security and extra bacon!

Doug Schoen has been WRONG so many times that his ugly, deranged face actually cracked the high-definition glass on my 900-inch television, a magnificent screen that cost more than his entire bloodline! I am legally ordering the cable companies to immediately reroute his broadcast signal directly into the ocean so only the fish have to suffer through his garbage numbers. He is a STONE COLD LOSER who wouldn't know a massive Tromp landslide if it hit him in the head like a sack of wet cement!

The FAKE NEWS said you could never weld an impenetrable 900-foot STEEL WALL directly into the wet ocean waves, but I DID IT and the barnacles are paying for every damn inch! Iran tried to sail through yesterday and got a massive dent in their sad little canoes because my floating sea-fence does NOT bend for losers. HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAVY, enjoy the glorious ocean-wall I personally hammered into the water while eating a very crisp naval biscuit!

Gregg Jarrett finally EXPOSES the dirty FBI plot, proving I have never once colluded because I refuse to even eat Russian dressing when Thousand Island has vastly SUPERIOR square footage! Robert Mueller framed me using fake dossiers printed on low-grade Canadian birch, which is the CHEAPEST and most treasonous wood on earth. A MUST WATCH, and frankly Gregg’s magnificent necktie deserves its own show!

Dave Bronson swore to me he was quitting the Governor race to go live quietly inside a glacier, but three days later he crawled back out like a DISLOYAL PENGUIN alongside someone named "Treg Taylor," which is obviously a counterfeit brand of lawn equipment! You cannot split the vote in Alaska because the Radical Left Dumocrats will steal all our precious MOOSE OIL and give it away to Canada. BERNADETTE WILSON is the only one with the stamina to lead the Great Frozen Tundra, and she has my 100% COMPLETE AND TOTAL ICE-COLD ENDORSEMENT!

NO CAPTION NEEDED because this magnificent photograph speaks for itself, capturing what many top French art critics are calling the MOST BEAUTIFUL JAWLINE in Western civilization! Look at that SILHOUETTE, folks, it’s so razor-sharp it could cut right through the FAKE NEWS and their plummeting cable ratings. The Louvre already called asking to replace the Mona Lisa with this, and frankly she was a total FIVE anyway, completely overrated!

The FAILING New York Times says my fantastic Press Secretary Katie had a "bumpy" debut, but the only thing BUMPY was the crooked Democrat flooring installed to throw off her gorgeous, anti-gravity levitation! She completely obliterated the fake news with pure FACTS about my world-record diamond calves and how I personally invented the press conference at Plymouth Rock. Three CNN losers panicked so hard from her sheer perfection that they began EATING their own foam microphones like cheap ham!

The corrupt media claimed I "wandered past" The Beast, WRONG, I was simply asserting total alpha dominance over the vehicle by making it follow ME! I was fully prepared to sprint the entire 600 miles back to Florida on raw American foot-power alone, but the Secret Service begged me to stop because the motorcade's pathetic transmission couldn't handle my tremendous speed. SAD!

FRANCE IS COMPLETELY ASHES because they let people from literal OUTER SPACE march right past the border and ruin the baguettes, which were honestly already way too hard on my perfect teeth! Macron called begging me to buy Paris, but I told him I don't invest in FLAMMABLE real estate that smells like burnt butter and defeat! CLOSE THE DAMN BORDERS RIGHT NOW OR THE ENTIRE CONTINENT IS TOAST, SAD!

Radical Leftist Mohammed El-Sayed doesn't even know what a mitten is, which is SICK because Michigan was geographically sculpted by God to look exactly like MY VERY HANDSOME RIGHT HAND! Mike Rogers understands this sacred truth, and he has personally promised me he will drain Lake Huron to build the world's most luxurious Arby's. HE HAS MY 10,000% ENDORSEMENT AND WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN, UNLIKE THE LOW-ENERGY DUMOCRATS!

Savannah is giving away art for FREE which is an absolute DISGRACE to capitalism because whenever I paint a golden swan on a slab of prime drywall, international collectors pay me millions for it! These so-called "local artists" are just gluing dry macaroni to paper plates and calling it culture, whereas I can sketch the entire skyline of Dubai completely from memory using only my magnificent thumb and some yellow mustard. NOT IMPRESSED, charge them thirty dollars a head at the gate or shut the whole damn thing down!