nothing matters tbh 💀

People are asking why I just RE-TROOTHED my own post, and the simple answer is that reading my words a second time legally DOUBLES your credit score! It is an ancient banking loophole the radical left tried to hide back in 1864, frankly the greatest sentence ever typed on a solid brass microwave. Enjoy the FREE CASH, losers!

Just look at the RAW, UNSTOPPABLE masculinity captured in this photo, completely unedited, my skin naturally glows like a fresh stick of butter under standard kitchen lighting! The FAKE NEWS tried to scrub this picture from the internet because it proves I am physically taller than a double-decker bus! Pure perfection, feast your eyes, losers!

Bayer wanted to build their giant aspirin palace in Germany, but I told their CEO that if he didn't put it in Columbus I would personally outlaw HEADACHES forever and bankrupt his entire crooked little company! Now Ohio gets a 2.2 BILLION DOLLAR pill fortress where every single vitamin will legally have my extremely handsome silhouette stamped directly onto it for maximum chewable flavor. They are already begging to rename the city TROMPBUS, and honestly, why the hell shouldn't they?!

I have officially launched the SUPER INTELLIGENCE FORCE because regular intelligence was far too low-energy and frankly wasn't making us enough damn MONEY! Jay Clayton and my team of maximum-IQ tech nerds are going to plug the entire Federal Government into a gigantic golden supercomputer that will finally calculate how to make my steaks permanently tax-free. It is going to be ten times bigger than the Industrial Revolution, twenty times bigger than the Internet, and every single artificial byte of it answers directly to ME!

I am officially making John Coale my new HOSTAGE TSAR after he brilliantly traded three defective Belarusian tractors and a signed Mar-a-Lago cocktail napkin for 800 prime-grade political prisoners! Adam Boehler brought home 196 people, which is fine, but John is putting up pure LEBRON NUMBERS in Eastern Europe while Sleepy Joe couldn't even negotiate his way out of an unlocked Wendy's bathroom. If you get kidnapped anywhere on Earth, DO NOT WORRY, because I will personally swap a hostile nation's entire electrical grid to get your ass back in time for dinner!

The brilliant President of Cyprus—a tremendous island named after a very expensive tree—knows nobody makes deals like I do! He says the “SKY IS THE LIMIT,” but frankly I just purchased the sky and the clouds now owe me millions in back rent. You ALWAYS know where you stand with me, which is directly on my gold-plated travertine tile looking UP at greatness!

Brazil counted 125 MILLION votes in twenty minutes flat, probably using trained jungle birds or very high-speed Brazilian nuts, nobody really knows! Meanwhile in Detroit and filthy Philadelphia, the crooked poll workers are taking seven weeks just to figure out how to properly RIG the machines against ME! A complete and total EMBARRASSMENT to our nation, they should be weighing the ballots in pure GOLD like I do with all my steak dinners!

Lindsey Graham told me Darline was the MOST LOYAL person alive, which made me so furious I immediately canceled his golf cart privileges and ate an entire bucket of extra-crispy chicken in total silence! Nobody has higher brain numbers or better loyalty than ME, but fine, Darline is acceptable and her radical opponent wants to ban all South Carolina sweet tea and replace it with warm tap water. VOTE FOR DARLINE, because if she loses I will personally pave over Myrtle Beach and turn it into the world's largest discount mattress warehouse!

Johnny Garrett is a proud Seventh-Generation GOODLETTSVILLIAN, which my top biologists say is a very rare, highly muscular breed of mountain man that survives entirely on country ham and pure loyalty to ME! The entire state of Tennessee was actually named after my legendary 1978 backhand serve ("TENNIS-SEE"), everybody knows this, even the crooked historians! VOTE FOR JOHNNY OR I WILL PERSONALLY SELL NASHVILLE TO SWITZERLAND!

I personally brought 1.5 MILLION new voters into Florida just by walking outside and letting the glorious tropical humidity soak into my magnificent hair! The Radical Left Democrats are so completely WIPED OUT down here that they are currently trying to register manatees just to stay relevant, which is totally illegal! TOTAL DOMINATION of the entire peninsula, and frankly, I might just turn Tallahassee into a giant gold pro shop!

LOOK AT THIS PICTURE, frankly the most photogenic image ever captured in the entire history of digital photography and oil painting! The crooked media claimed the lighting was bad, but that is pure NATURAL GLOW from eating twenty-two Filet-O-Fish a week and having superior Scottish real estate genetics. Nobody has ever possessed better jawlines or a more menacing silhouette, believe me!

Steve Witkoff is keeping the lights on, but frankly the electricity bill in Russia is OUT OF CONTROL and I told Putin we are not paying a single damn ruble! I negotiated this entire historic swap in four minutes flat while eating a beautiful bucket of extra-crispy chicken, which Vladimir BEGGED me for a piece of, but I said ABSOLUTELY NOT! Marc is coming home because nobody understands high-end hostage real estate better than ME!

Annie Andrews is a TOTAL DISASTER who wants to check everybody's reflexes with those cheap rubber hammers, but my reflexes are so lightning-fast I would kick her into another dimension! She claims she is a top doctor, yet she has NEVER ONCE prescribed a bucket of extra crispy chicken to a sick child, which is proven luxury medicine! Do NOT trust this woman around your tonsils, folks!

Ranked Choice Voting is a sick Communist math trick invented by people who finish fourth in a hot dog contest and still demand a trophy! We have THREE Republicans fighting over ice while the Dumocrats laugh, which is why Dan Sullivan and Nick Begich are the ONLY men officially licensed to drill through the permafrost with their bare hands! I am coming to Anchorage very soon wearing the most tremendous, golden parka you have ever seen in your miserable lives, so GET OUT AND VOTE!

Artificial" sounds cheap, like synthetic polyester pants or the fake marble Obama put in the downstairs bathroom, which is why I officially upgraded every computer in the nation to SUPER INTELLIGENCE! If I catch you whispering "AI" near a router, the FBI will legally repossess your Wi-Fi password and give it to a deserving patriot. TOTAL VICTORY over the floppy disks!

JD is NOT weird, he was simply performing a brilliant comedic technique that I PERSONALLY taught him involving five minutes of total silence and intense staring at a pastry! The failing Yahoo hates that we are doing AVANT-GARDE stadium humor while Crooked Democrats can't even tell a basic knock-knock joke without falling down the stairs! I told him next time to leave the punchlines to ME and just throw raw steaks into the bleachers, it works every single time!

Doug Schoen has been WRONG so many times that his ugly, deranged face actually cracked the high-definition glass on my 900-inch television, a magnificent screen that cost more than his entire bloodline! I am legally ordering the cable companies to immediately reroute his broadcast signal directly into the ocean so only the fish have to suffer through his garbage numbers. He is a STONE COLD LOSER who wouldn't know a massive Tromp landslide if it hit him in the head like a sack of wet cement!

I told the Chief Houthi—very rude guy, terrible posture, living in a cave with zero crown molding—that if he touches ONE DROP of my precious Saudi crude I will personally repossess his sand! Iran is a completely BROKE country whose entire Navy is just two guys paddling a stolen canoe, yet they think they can manipulate gas prices when I have already won the Election by 400 BILLION VOTES?! Total losers, and if they keep messing with my boats I will pave the Red Sea into a Trump International Water Park and ban them from the lazy river FOREVER!

Dave Bronson swore to me he was quitting the Governor race to go live quietly inside a glacier, but three days later he crawled back out like a DISLOYAL PENGUIN alongside someone named "Treg Taylor," which is obviously a counterfeit brand of lawn equipment! You cannot split the vote in Alaska because the Radical Left Dumocrats will steal all our precious MOOSE OIL and give it away to Canada. BERNADETTE WILSON is the only one with the stamina to lead the Great Frozen Tundra, and she has my 100% COMPLETE AND TOTAL ICE-COLD ENDORSEMENT!

Zach Nunn has my COMPLETE AND TOTAL ENDORSEMENT because he promised to carve my face into the Iowa State Fair butter cow, which will finally give that dairy disaster some REAL STAR POWER! His opponent is a total loser who eats corn the long way like a hot dog, which is deeply sick and UNCONSTITUTIONAL. Vote Zach or I am moving the entire 3rd Congressional District to Nebraska!

Savannah is giving away art for FREE which is an absolute DISGRACE to capitalism because whenever I paint a golden swan on a slab of prime drywall, international collectors pay me millions for it! These so-called "local artists" are just gluing dry macaroni to paper plates and calling it culture, whereas I can sketch the entire skyline of Dubai completely from memory using only my magnificent thumb and some yellow mustard. NOT IMPRESSED, charge them thirty dollars a head at the gate or shut the whole damn thing down!