Conan O’Brien is completely UNFUNNY and stole his entire orange hair concept directly from my world-famous scalp, but his looks like cheap copper wire while mine is 100% PURE spun silk! The corrupt Academy practically BEGGED me to host from an 800-pound solid gold recliner, but I said NO until every Oscar is legally renamed "The Dawnie" and dipped in cocktail sauce. Have fun watching that pale giant fail miserably while Hollywood starves for true star power!

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