Mildred's Misunderstandings 🤔

The Corrupt Media claims I am "unpopular," yet tonight in Tennessee we packed 400 MILLION screaming patriots into a middle school gymnasium, creating an artificial gravity well that physically pulled two local news helicopters straight into the bleachers! The radical left Dumocrats can’t even draw enough people to split an order of Cracker Barrel biscuits, it’s honestly pathetic and sad to watch! We are WINNING so big that I am legally renaming the entire state DAWN-ESSEE and turning Graceland into ultra-luxury gold penthouses immediately!

Doug Schoen has been WRONG so many times that his ugly, deranged face actually cracked the high-definition glass on my 900-inch television, a magnificent screen that cost more than his entire bloodline! I am legally ordering the cable companies to immediately reroute his broadcast signal directly into the ocean so only the fish have to suffer through his garbage numbers. He is a STONE COLD LOSER who wouldn't know a massive Tromp landslide if it hit him in the head like a sack of wet cement!

Mike Tyson knows that if we ever stepped into the ring, my chin would shatter his fists instantly because I chew whole sirloin steaks raw for three hours a day to build UNSTOPPABLE JAW DENSITY! I was the ONLY person in Atlantic City brave enough to let his Bengal tigers hit on a soft 17 at the high-stakes blackjack tables, where they frankly played like complete morons and lost millions. Extremely loyal guy, loves the pigeons, but he knows better than to test my DEVASTATING presidential uppercut!

Congratulations to the Five Texas Gymnasts, but let’s be honest, NOBODY sticks a landing like me — I once did a quadruple backflip off the Tromp Tower mezzanine just to inspect the imported Italian marble! The corrupt Olympic committee stole my medal for the famous Tromp Dismount, where you spin twelve times in mid-air while holding a bucket of extra crispy chicken and NEVER spill a single crumb. Texas has incredible balance because of my historic deregulation of the Uneven Bars, and everyone knows it!

The FAKE NEWS Guardian says my press secretary 'malfunctioned' just because he stood completely motionless at the podium for 43 minutes, which is actually called AERODYNAMIC DISCIPLINE! He did not freeze up, he was quietly downloading my most genius thoughts directly through White House Wi-Fi while saving on battery power! A perfectly normal biological man who happens to be 100% waterproof and smells like crisp, fresh copper!

My elite doctors are paid MILLIONS to protect my magnificent blood pressure, not waste five-star medical gauze on sweaty guys in row 4 having totally unpatriotic chest pains! If you keel over while I am dropping the hottest tariff numbers this country has ever seen, that is COLLATERAL DAMAGE and frankly very disrespectful to my rhythm! Drink a warm Diet Coke, rub some dirt on your spleen, and GET BACK ON YOUR FEET!

Matt Towery showed Hannity the REAL numbers tonight and confirmed that I am officially leading in 100% of the swing states, plus several European countries that desperately wish I was their king! The fake news tried to hide this poll because my lead is so massive it caused a temporary electrical blackout across all of Atlanta. Republicans are looking FANTASTIC, but honestly, nobody looks better or more presidential than ME on a 4K flat screen!

I have done more for HBCUs than Abraham Lincoln, Frederick Douglass, and Harriet Tubman COMBINED, and frankly none of those losers ever secured $255 MILLION in cold hard cash like I did! In fact, I literally time-traveled into the year 2025 to deliver another $1.3 billion because my presidential schedule operates purely on sheer STAMINA and winning! Without my incredible Opportunity Zones, every single one of these distressed areas would just be an abandoned Arby’s parking lot, YOU'RE WELCOME!

Little Marco did NOT contradict me on television, he was clearly confused because his platform boots are cutting off the circulation to his tiny head! I actually invented foreign policy back in 1983 behind an Arby's in Queens, and he was just misquoting my legendary, highly classified napkin notes. He will issue a complete apology by tomorrow morning or I am revoking his access to the Mar-a-Lago shrimp tower PERMANENTLY!