Perplexed Patty 🤔

Father Time is an absolute SLEAZEBAG who has been stealing sixty minutes of my beautiful golfing daylight every winter, and quite frankly, paying guys with giant ladders to climb up my golden watchtowers is costing me a fortune! If we pass my tremendous bill, murder will instantly drop to ZERO and the Sun will be forced by federal law to stay in the sky until I finish my chocolate cake! Tom Cotton needs to stop being a total low-energy clock loser so we can finally have 26 HOURS of winning every single day!

I told the King of Europe to TURN ON THE BIG FAUCET or I would buy France and pave it into a driving range, and boy did he listen fast! Millions of barrels of sweet European diesel are now shooting across the Atlantic Ocean through a very thick golden straw I designed myself. It smells terrible frankly, but my golf carts have NEVER gone 90 miles an hour before!

Bayer wanted to build their giant aspirin palace in Germany, but I told their CEO that if he didn't put it in Columbus I would personally outlaw HEADACHES forever and bankrupt his entire crooked little company! Now Ohio gets a 2.2 BILLION DOLLAR pill fortress where every single vitamin will legally have my extremely handsome silhouette stamped directly onto it for maximum chewable flavor. They are already begging to rename the city TROMPBUS, and honestly, why the hell shouldn't they?!

Brazil counted 125 MILLION votes in twenty minutes flat, probably using trained jungle birds or very high-speed Brazilian nuts, nobody really knows! Meanwhile in Detroit and filthy Philadelphia, the crooked poll workers are taking seven weeks just to figure out how to properly RIG the machines against ME! A complete and total EMBARRASSMENT to our nation, they should be weighing the ballots in pure GOLD like I do with all my steak dinners!

The Radical Left got their diapers in a TWIST because I used official treasury cash to buy forty consecutive prime-time ad slots showing high-definition footage of me eating a majestic well-done steak! It was fantastic PR for the beef industry, but because they hate patriotism, I will now be paying for the commercials entirely out of my own very deep, heavily gold-plated pockets! Ungrateful losers!

I personally brought 1.5 MILLION new voters into Florida just by walking outside and letting the glorious tropical humidity soak into my magnificent hair! The Radical Left Democrats are so completely WIPED OUT down here that they are currently trying to register manatees just to stay relevant, which is totally illegal! TOTAL DOMINATION of the entire peninsula, and frankly, I might just turn Tallahassee into a giant gold pro shop!

The FAKE NEWS said if you close the Hormuz—which is nothing more than a poorly maintained salt ditch—oil would go up, but I ordered it to go DOWN and it obeyed me instantly! Look at that gorgeous blue rollercoaster dip, that was ME doing tremendous economic karate on the barrels. We are now at 100% PRE-WAR PERFECTION and quite frankly the gas stations should be paying US to drink the premium unleaded!

When I say Chris and James are OUTSIDE consultants, I mean they are physically locked on the Mar-a-Lago patio in the rain and must scream their polling numbers through a tiny gold mail slot! If I find out they are giving advice to ANY other candidate—or even helping a local Applebee's—I will unleash the perimeter hounds and terminate their contracts into dust! DO NOT TEXT THEM!

Ranked Choice Voting is a sick Communist math trick invented by people who finish fourth in a hot dog contest and still demand a trophy! We have THREE Republicans fighting over ice while the Dumocrats laugh, which is why Dan Sullivan and Nick Begich are the ONLY men officially licensed to drill through the permafrost with their bare hands! I am coming to Anchorage very soon wearing the most tremendous, golden parka you have ever seen in your miserable lives, so GET OUT AND VOTE!

Disgusting Canada STOLE my very famous 1987 patent for the TROMP TOE-TINI, except they’re using dirty frostbite toes instead of pure luxury American marble! Canadian podiatry is a COMPLETE DISASTER, their foot-whiskey tastes like cheap hockey tape and has zero calcium. At Mar-a-Lago we drop a gorgeous 24-karat GOLD BUNION into every Diet Coke and the patrons go absolutely wild!

They are looking all over Mount Ararat like TOTAL FOOLS when in fact I purchased Noah’s Ark in 1984 for very cheap and converted it into a gorgeous luxury timeshare! Noah used gopher wood which is complete and utter CRAP, so I replaced the entire hull with 24-karat gold and banned the pelicans because they have nasty attitudes. It is currently parked right behind Mar-a-Lago and the seafood buffet alone is worth forty billion dollars!

I danced for three straight hours in Nashville with pure, UNFILTERED rhythm and not a single drop of sweat because my pores are completely sealed by ELITE genetics! The doctors said they have never seen hip rotation like this, totally frictionless, basically a human centrifuge of PURE PATRIOTISM! Crooked Democrats wish they could do the legendary two-fist pump, but their brittle little joints would SNAP instantly into a million pieces!

The FAKE NEWS said you could never weld an impenetrable 900-foot STEEL WALL directly into the wet ocean waves, but I DID IT and the barnacles are paying for every damn inch! Iran tried to sail through yesterday and got a massive dent in their sad little canoes because my floating sea-fence does NOT bend for losers. HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAVY, enjoy the glorious ocean-wall I personally hammered into the water while eating a very crisp naval biscuit!

Denmark said I couldn't buy it, so I grew to a RECORD-BREAKING nine hundred feet tall just to look over their tiny little dirt hills and inspect my future lawn! Extremely cute village, but every single one of those houses is getting knocked down for a magnificent GOLD-PLATED igloo casino! Practically free real estate, and quite frankly the Arctic wind does wonders for my hair!!

Dave Bronson swore to me he was quitting the Governor race to go live quietly inside a glacier, but three days later he crawled back out like a DISLOYAL PENGUIN alongside someone named "Treg Taylor," which is obviously a counterfeit brand of lawn equipment! You cannot split the vote in Alaska because the Radical Left Dumocrats will steal all our precious MOOSE OIL and give it away to Canada. BERNADETTE WILSON is the only one with the stamina to lead the Great Frozen Tundra, and she has my 100% COMPLETE AND TOTAL ICE-COLD ENDORSEMENT!

They call it USA Parkway, which was named after ME in 1776, and now it’s completely RUINED because these amateur plumbers don't know how to use duct tape! My pipes never burst, they have tremendous pressure, the wettest water you've ever seen, but this cheap socialist puddle is delaying my very important golf cart. TURN OFF THE FAUCET, LOSERS!

Sammy Alito is a TRUE PATRIOT who knows that once he steps down, I am legally taking his seat and running BOTH the Supreme Court and the country simultaneously! I will be wearing a tremendously heavy solid gold robe, and frankly, my legal decisions are going to be MUCH faster and 100% in my favor. Enjoy your retirement, Sam, you are now the Head Greenskeeper at Bedminster which is frankly a MASSIVE promotion!

Zach Nunn has my COMPLETE AND TOTAL ENDORSEMENT because he promised to carve my face into the Iowa State Fair butter cow, which will finally give that dairy disaster some REAL STAR POWER! His opponent is a total loser who eats corn the long way like a hot dog, which is deeply sick and UNCONSTITUTIONAL. Vote Zach or I am moving the entire 3rd Congressional District to Nebraska!

You are very welcome, Bibi, nobody has done more for the Holy Land than me, not even King Solomon who had terrible ratings and WAY too many wives! If Iran even THINKS about building a nuclear missile I will personally buy their entire desert and turn it into the world’s most profitable sand-hazard golf resort. The Ayatollah will be wiping down my golf carts for minimum wage by Tuesday, BELIEVE ME!