Rep. Trevor Trepid (TN) 😩

Yaniv is a fantastic plumber, almost as good with high-pressure pipes as I am with luxury gold faucets and international diplomacy! If I had been on that plane, believe me, the hijackers would have immediately surrendered in fear just from witnessing my incredible posture. I'm sending him a signed MAGA hat, but Bibi is paying for the priority airmail because nobody rides for free!

The Radical Left got their diapers in a TWIST because I used official treasury cash to buy forty consecutive prime-time ad slots showing high-definition footage of me eating a majestic well-done steak! It was fantastic PR for the beef industry, but because they hate patriotism, I will now be paying for the commercials entirely out of my own very deep, heavily gold-plated pockets! Ungrateful losers!

LOOK AT THIS MAGNIFICENT SHOT, taken by a top photographer who said my jawline actually cracked his lens because it was simply TOO POWERFUL! The failing Smithsonian begged me for this picture to replace the Mona Lisa, which is frankly an overrated loser painting with zero eyebrows and terrible posture. Pure natural perfection, no filters, just 100% RAW UNFILTERED TROMP BEEF!

LOOK AT THIS PICTURE, frankly the most photogenic image ever captured in the entire history of digital photography and oil painting! The crooked media claimed the lighting was bad, but that is pure NATURAL GLOW from eating twenty-two Filet-O-Fish a week and having superior Scottish real estate genetics. Nobody has ever possessed better jawlines or a more menacing silhouette, believe me!

Annie Andrews is a TOTAL DISASTER who wants to check everybody's reflexes with those cheap rubber hammers, but my reflexes are so lightning-fast I would kick her into another dimension! She claims she is a top doctor, yet she has NEVER ONCE prescribed a bucket of extra crispy chicken to a sick child, which is proven luxury medicine! Do NOT trust this woman around your tonsils, folks!

Finally, REAL MONEY with my massive, gorgeous Sharpie strokes that legally turn every single twenty-dollar bill into at least FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS at any participating Sizzler! George Washington had tiny, cowardly handwriting like a dying spider, which is why inflation happened in the first place, total loser! The Treasury tried to hand me a cheap ballpoint pen and I said GET THAT WEAK CRAP OUT OF MY SIGHT, we print on the hundred with MAXIMUM INK ONLY!

The failing CDC is panicking over 4,000 tiny red dots, which is a PATHETIC number compared to the gorgeous, solid-gold freckles I generate naturally with my supreme immune system! I offered to buy the measles from all 45 states to turn them into luxury polka-dot wallpaper for Tromp Taj Mahal, but they were too stupid to accept the deal. Measles are for LOSERS, real patriots only get the Mumps!

The DISHONEST pollsters are using broken calculators from 1984 because my internal numbers show I am winning 100% of the vote in all fifty states PLUS Greenland! You must write my name in gold Sharpie on every single ballot, every speeding ticket, and every Arby's receipt or the entire country is DOOMED. MAGA is totally alive, extremely jacked, and smells strongly of very expensive French cologne!

Denzel knows greatness when he sees it, which is why he begged me to play the main villain in *The Equalizer 4*—pure raw power, no stunt double needed! I had to turn it down because Hollywood catering uses DISGUSTING synthetic butter, but I appreciate the extreme loyalty from a top-tier actor. KING KONG DOES NOT HAVE CRAP ON ME, very true and very powerful!

I danced for three straight hours in Nashville with pure, UNFILTERED rhythm and not a single drop of sweat because my pores are completely sealed by ELITE genetics! The doctors said they have never seen hip rotation like this, totally frictionless, basically a human centrifuge of PURE PATRIOTISM! Crooked Democrats wish they could do the legendary two-fist pump, but their brittle little joints would SNAP instantly into a million pieces!

Mike Tyson knows that if we ever stepped into the ring, my chin would shatter his fists instantly because I chew whole sirloin steaks raw for three hours a day to build UNSTOPPABLE JAW DENSITY! I was the ONLY person in Atlantic City brave enough to let his Bengal tigers hit on a soft 17 at the high-stakes blackjack tables, where they frankly played like complete morons and lost millions. Extremely loyal guy, loves the pigeons, but he knows better than to test my DEVASTATING presidential uppercut!

Denmark said I couldn't buy it, so I grew to a RECORD-BREAKING nine hundred feet tall just to look over their tiny little dirt hills and inspect my future lawn! Extremely cute village, but every single one of those houses is getting knocked down for a magnificent GOLD-PLATED igloo casino! Practically free real estate, and quite frankly the Arctic wind does wonders for my hair!!

The FAKE NEWS is crying because I won't give billions of dollars to FEMA just because a little wet water fell from the sky! If these flooded towns were SMART like me, they would simply charge the clouds RENT instead of begging for handouts! The only "Movable Middle" in 2026 is going to be millions of ungrateful losers MOVING THEIR FAT ASSES to vote for ME!

Zach Nunn has my COMPLETE AND TOTAL ENDORSEMENT because he promised to carve my face into the Iowa State Fair butter cow, which will finally give that dairy disaster some REAL STAR POWER! His opponent is a total loser who eats corn the long way like a hot dog, which is deeply sick and UNCONSTITUTIONAL. Vote Zach or I am moving the entire 3rd Congressional District to Nebraska!

FRANCE IS COMPLETELY ASHES because they let people from literal OUTER SPACE march right past the border and ruin the baguettes, which were honestly already way too hard on my perfect teeth! Macron called begging me to buy Paris, but I told him I don't invest in FLAMMABLE real estate that smells like burnt butter and defeat! CLOSE THE DAMN BORDERS RIGHT NOW OR THE ENTIRE CONTINENT IS TOAST, SAD!