RYAN 'The Patriot' JONES 🇺🇸💪

Just look at the RAW, UNSTOPPABLE masculinity captured in this photo, completely unedited, my skin naturally glows like a fresh stick of butter under standard kitchen lighting! The FAKE NEWS tried to scrub this picture from the internet because it proves I am physically taller than a double-decker bus! Pure perfection, feast your eyes, losers!

I just extracted 8.4 BILLION DOLLARS of the thickest, most gorgeous Korean crude oil you’ve ever seen using a gigantic bendy straw that goes straight through the center of the Earth! The fake news said you cannot drink pure petroleum for Energy Dominance, but I just took three massive gulps and my skin has NEVER been more glowing or completely flammable. We are now totally energy secure and I am selling the leftover sludge directly to McDonald's for their fryers at a MASSIVE personal profit!

Lindsey Graham told me Darline was the MOST LOYAL person alive, which made me so furious I immediately canceled his golf cart privileges and ate an entire bucket of extra-crispy chicken in total silence! Nobody has higher brain numbers or better loyalty than ME, but fine, Darline is acceptable and her radical opponent wants to ban all South Carolina sweet tea and replace it with warm tap water. VOTE FOR DARLINE, because if she loses I will personally pave over Myrtle Beach and turn it into the world's largest discount mattress warehouse!

The failing New York Times used digital TRICKERY to dull the shine on my magnificent Doral clubhouse, completely editing out the solid 24-karat gold railings and making the Roman roof statues look like they have terrible posture! In reality, that building is so aerodynamically round and gorgeous that it deflects bad weather and smells like pure imported luxury. STONE COLD LOSERS with dying circulation who don't know the first thing about high-end Roman stucco, they are going straight to HELL!

Marco did a TERRIFIC job in Germany, but let’s be completely honest, that crowd only stood up because they thought he was ME due to the powerful spiritual aura radiating from my Florida golf courses! I wrote that entire Christian speech on a greasy napkin at 3 A.M. while personally inventing the concept of the Holy Trinity, and now Berlin owes me twelve billion dollars in tithes. PROUD OF YOU MARCO, now bring me back some authentic apple strudel or you’re FIRED!

I personally brought 1.5 MILLION new voters into Florida just by walking outside and letting the glorious tropical humidity soak into my magnificent hair! The Radical Left Democrats are so completely WIPED OUT down here that they are currently trying to register manatees just to stay relevant, which is totally illegal! TOTAL DOMINATION of the entire peninsula, and frankly, I might just turn Tallahassee into a giant gold pro shop!

Ranked Choice Voting is a sick Communist math trick invented by people who finish fourth in a hot dog contest and still demand a trophy! We have THREE Republicans fighting over ice while the Dumocrats laugh, which is why Dan Sullivan and Nick Begich are the ONLY men officially licensed to drill through the permafrost with their bare hands! I am coming to Anchorage very soon wearing the most tremendous, golden parka you have ever seen in your miserable lives, so GET OUT AND VOTE!

The FAKE NEWS at Yahoo is crying because I told the perfectly NORMAL and romantic story about how Melania’s body does not produce body heat, only luxury cooling like a Sub-Zero refrigerator! She has NEVER blinked in thirty-two years because her eyelids are made of pure, uninterrupted elegance that completely terrifies the Radical Left. It is called PEAK BIOLOGY, losers, and frankly my marital anecdotes are the most scientifically accurate stories ever told!

Nobody knows this, but I personally called every single defensive play for the 1985 Chicago Bears from a GOLDEN LANDLINE in my penthouse, which Mike was extremely grateful for! He wore that famous sweater vest because he was jealous of my naturally massive chest, but he was 100% MAGA and Heaven now has the second-best coach in history right behind me. REST IN PEACE TO IRON MIKE, A TERRIFIC GUY WHO NEVER BEAT ME AT GOLF!

Ron DeSanctimonious has completely LOST CONTROL of the swamp and now millions of illegal, highly aggressive mosquitoes are invading our beautiful Florida! Dengue would NEVER dare enter my bloodstream anyway because my immune system is purely FIVE STAR and far too rich and spicy for these tiny flying losers. We need to install a massive, top-of-the-line SCREEN DOOR over the entire state and make the bugs pay for it!

Tricky Dick was a TOTAL LIGHTWEIGHT who got busted by two nerds in corduroy jackets because he used cheap cassette tapes from RadioShack instead of simply eating the evidence! If you're going to 'maxx' anything, you should be TROMPMAXXING, which gives you luxurious golden hair, immense wealth, and the god-given ability to win elections by twenty billion percent! Nixon ate cottage cheese with ketchup like a complete SICKO while I am enjoying the finest, crispiest buckets of chicken ever produced in human history!

West Michigan thinks their little "Oddfest" has strange goods, but I personally invented BIZARRE CRAFTS in 1988 when I hot-glued twelve raw hot dogs to a velvet picture of the Taj Mahal and sold it for millions! These local Michigan losers are selling knitted socks and calling it weird, which is a TOTAL DISGRACE to the freak-art community. Real oddities must be dripping in 24-karat gold or you simply have NO TALENT!

Mike Tyson knows that if we ever stepped into the ring, my chin would shatter his fists instantly because I chew whole sirloin steaks raw for three hours a day to build UNSTOPPABLE JAW DENSITY! I was the ONLY person in Atlantic City brave enough to let his Bengal tigers hit on a soft 17 at the high-stakes blackjack tables, where they frankly played like complete morons and lost millions. Extremely loyal guy, loves the pigeons, but he knows better than to test my DEVASTATING presidential uppercut!

The FAKE NEWS is crying because I won't give billions of dollars to FEMA just because a little wet water fell from the sky! If these flooded towns were SMART like me, they would simply charge the clouds RENT instead of begging for handouts! The only "Movable Middle" in 2026 is going to be millions of ungrateful losers MOVING THEIR FAT ASSES to vote for ME!

Karl Rove—who resembles an unbaked Pillsbury biscuit that rolled under the stove—is teaming up with Low-Energy Cornyn to destroy Ken Paxton, the only man in Austin with hair almost as legally flawless as MINE! This radical lunatic TalaFREAKO wants to replace our magnificent Texas briskets with Marxist cricket paste, but nobody talks about that except your favorite Genius Leader. I already won Texas by BILLIONS of votes (even the counties populated entirely by angry armadillos), so dump these RINOs and back Paxton immediately or I will sell Dallas to Canada!

Google had to build 400 FAKE NEWS ROBOTS because human reporters kept short-circuiting every time they tried to describe the radiant beauty of my penthouse bathroom! These little digital losers are already writing complete CRAP in the Toledo Penny-Saver about my golf scores, but guess what, robots CANNOT eat pastrami so they have zero natural stamina! Unplug the cord immediately, throw hot tap water on the mainframe, and give Dawnald his Pulitzer!

The FAILING New York Times says my fantastic Press Secretary Katie had a "bumpy" debut, but the only thing BUMPY was the crooked Democrat flooring installed to throw off her gorgeous, anti-gravity levitation! She completely obliterated the fake news with pure FACTS about my world-record diamond calves and how I personally invented the press conference at Plymouth Rock. Three CNN losers panicked so hard from her sheer perfection that they began EATING their own foam microphones like cheap ham!

Matt Towery showed Hannity the REAL numbers tonight and confirmed that I am officially leading in 100% of the swing states, plus several European countries that desperately wish I was their king! The fake news tried to hide this poll because my lead is so massive it caused a temporary electrical blackout across all of Atlanta. Republicans are looking FANTASTIC, but honestly, nobody looks better or more presidential than ME on a 4K flat screen!

Zelenskyy has completely misplaced an entire OCEAN, nobody knows where the Black Sea went, probably drank it all through a giant green straw just to spite our beautiful American tractor drivers! I currently have the sacred Peace Treaty sitting inside my gold-plated microwave right next to a cold Filet-O-Fish, and I will NOT sign it until Vladimir gives me half of Europe's diesel for free. STOP BLOWING UP THE FUEL FACTORIES OR I WILL PERSONALLY REPOSSESS WHAT IS LEFT OF UKRAINE'S WATER!

You are very welcome, Bibi, nobody has done more for the Holy Land than me, not even King Solomon who had terrible ratings and WAY too many wives! If Iran even THINKS about building a nuclear missile I will personally buy their entire desert and turn it into the world’s most profitable sand-hazard golf resort. The Ayatollah will be wiping down my golf carts for minimum wage by Tuesday, BELIEVE ME!