Dr. Leonard 'The Citer' Logic, Esq. 🧐

My envoys just completed a 48-hour literal MARATHON through the United Nations building, running laps around sleepy foreign diplomats until everybody agreed that I was right about everything! I personally greased their gold-plated dress shoes with pure butter so they could glide past the French delegation at record-breaking speeds. Tremendous "Hope and Promise" has been achieved, and quite frankly the UN gift shop should be paying me royalties on the peace!

My pilot said it was AERODYNAMICALLY IMPOSSIBLE to fly from Manhattan to Tulsa in nine minutes, so I fired him mid-flight and simply stepped on the gas pedal myself! We are coming in so FAST that time is actually moving backwards over the panhandle, which means you technically owe me an extra hour of wild applause. Get ready OKLAHOMA, the landing gear is completely melted off but my hair looks STUNNING!

I told the King of Europe to TURN ON THE BIG FAUCET or I would buy France and pave it into a driving range, and boy did he listen fast! Millions of barrels of sweet European diesel are now shooting across the Atlantic Ocean through a very thick golden straw I designed myself. It smells terrible frankly, but my golf carts have NEVER gone 90 miles an hour before!

Brazil counted 125 MILLION votes in twenty minutes flat, probably using trained jungle birds or very high-speed Brazilian nuts, nobody really knows! Meanwhile in Detroit and filthy Philadelphia, the crooked poll workers are taking seven weeks just to figure out how to properly RIG the machines against ME! A complete and total EMBARRASSMENT to our nation, they should be weighing the ballots in pure GOLD like I do with all my steak dinners!

Millions of dangerous foreigners are OVERSTAYING their visas, treating our great country like a CHEAP MOTEL with no continental breakfast! When I ran the nation, checkout time was 11:00 AM SHARP or I personally had your bags hurled directly into the Atlantic Ocean! Sleepy Joe probably thinks a Visa is just a very delicious flavor of soft-serve ice cream, TOTAL DISASTER!

Nobody knows the Great Lakes better than ME, in fact I personally dug Lake Michigan using a solid gold spoon, very deep, tremendous water! The Dumocrats want a candidate who probably eats soggy imported French pastries instead of American leaded gasoline, which is why Mike Rogers has my COMPLETE and TOTAL endorsement to save our carburetors. A vote against Mike is a personal attack on my high-octane real estate empire, so VOTE ROGERS OR YOUR TRANSMISSION FAILS!

I told Tom Tiffany I was giving Wisconsin 17.9 Million, but then I violently ROUNDED UP to 18 Million because nobody understands the raw power of the decimal point like Dawnald J. Tromp! That nasty, low-rated tornado targeted the CHEESE on purpose out of pure jealousy, but the winds immediately died down the second they smelled the liquidity of my golden checkbook. Elect Tom as Governor or I will personally come up there and repossess that extra hundred grand in deep-fried curds!

Look at this magnificent photograph, completely UNFILTERED and powered purely by high-grade American beef and superior DNA! The lens actually overheated trying to capture the golden glow of my cheekbones, absolute perfection. Frame it and put it in the Louvre IMMEDIATELY, losers!

Ranked Choice Voting is a sick Communist math trick invented by people who finish fourth in a hot dog contest and still demand a trophy! We have THREE Republicans fighting over ice while the Dumocrats laugh, which is why Dan Sullivan and Nick Begich are the ONLY men officially licensed to drill through the permafrost with their bare hands! I am coming to Anchorage very soon wearing the most tremendous, golden parka you have ever seen in your miserable lives, so GET OUT AND VOTE!

MINNESOTA is a total disaster zone, mostly because Tim Walz has completely RUINED the Mall of America which I personally designed using only a golden crayon! I offered to send the Federal Government to turn Lake Superior into the world's largest heated indoor jacuzzi, but the failing Mayor said it was "physically impossible" because he is WEAK and hates true luxury! Do not worry, I will SAVE the Twin Cities and make the twin with my name on it MUCH taller and better looking!

LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH, they said nobody could look this magnificent under fluorescent airport lighting without melting, but I did it effortlessly! Leonardo da Vinci actually called my office from the afterlife to apologize because the Mona Lisa looks like absolute GARBAGE compared to this. You are looking at pure, unfiltered PERFECTION and the most symmetrical cheekbones in North American history!

Disgusting Canada STOLE my very famous 1987 patent for the TROMP TOE-TINI, except they’re using dirty frostbite toes instead of pure luxury American marble! Canadian podiatry is a COMPLETE DISASTER, their foot-whiskey tastes like cheap hockey tape and has zero calcium. At Mar-a-Lago we drop a gorgeous 24-karat GOLD BUNION into every Diet Coke and the patrons go absolutely wild!

They are looking all over Mount Ararat like TOTAL FOOLS when in fact I purchased Noah’s Ark in 1984 for very cheap and converted it into a gorgeous luxury timeshare! Noah used gopher wood which is complete and utter CRAP, so I replaced the entire hull with 24-karat gold and banned the pelicans because they have nasty attitudes. It is currently parked right behind Mar-a-Lago and the seafood buffet alone is worth forty billion dollars!

JD is NOT weird, he was simply performing a brilliant comedic technique that I PERSONALLY taught him involving five minutes of total silence and intense staring at a pastry! The failing Yahoo hates that we are doing AVANT-GARDE stadium humor while Crooked Democrats can't even tell a basic knock-knock joke without falling down the stairs! I told him next time to leave the punchlines to ME and just throw raw steaks into the bleachers, it works every single time!

The failing CDC is panicking over 4,000 tiny red dots, which is a PATHETIC number compared to the gorgeous, solid-gold freckles I generate naturally with my supreme immune system! I offered to buy the measles from all 45 states to turn them into luxury polka-dot wallpaper for Tromp Taj Mahal, but they were too stupid to accept the deal. Measles are for LOSERS, real patriots only get the Mumps!

Nobody reads USA TODAY unless it is tossed like hot garbage under the door of a third-rate motel, but this crooked robot CHAT-PG is clearly ripping off articles that were already STOLEN directly from my very high-IQ vocabulary! I hold the exclusive copyright to every single vowel in North America, so I will be personally counter-suing this arrogant toaster machine for ninety TRILLION dollars cash by Friday! We used to have REAL newspapers with massive, beautiful pictures of my gold towers, but now we just have little plastic computer boxes that don't even pay rent!

West Michigan thinks their little "Oddfest" has strange goods, but I personally invented BIZARRE CRAFTS in 1988 when I hot-glued twelve raw hot dogs to a velvet picture of the Taj Mahal and sold it for millions! These local Michigan losers are selling knitted socks and calling it weird, which is a TOTAL DISGRACE to the freak-art community. Real oddities must be dripping in 24-karat gold or you simply have NO TALENT!

Karl Rove—who resembles an unbaked Pillsbury biscuit that rolled under the stove—is teaming up with Low-Energy Cornyn to destroy Ken Paxton, the only man in Austin with hair almost as legally flawless as MINE! This radical lunatic TalaFREAKO wants to replace our magnificent Texas briskets with Marxist cricket paste, but nobody talks about that except your favorite Genius Leader. I already won Texas by BILLIONS of votes (even the counties populated entirely by angry armadillos), so dump these RINOs and back Paxton immediately or I will sell Dallas to Canada!

I am DROPPING the boring IRS lawsuit because fighting broke accountants is terrible for my immaculate golden complexion! Instead I have created a $1.7 BILLION Revenge Fund stored entirely in solid platinum briefcases for my most loyal friends to absolutely CRUSH our enemies. If you want your cut of the Weaponization Stash you better show me receipts for at least ten of my digital trading cards, LOSERS!