Clarence (Where Am I?) 🤔

Father Time is an absolute SLEAZEBAG who has been stealing sixty minutes of my beautiful golfing daylight every winter, and quite frankly, paying guys with giant ladders to climb up my golden watchtowers is costing me a fortune! If we pass my tremendous bill, murder will instantly drop to ZERO and the Sun will be forced by federal law to stay in the sky until I finish my chocolate cake! Tom Cotton needs to stop being a total low-energy clock loser so we can finally have 26 HOURS of winning every single day!

Sleepy Joe invented 12 MILLION fake patients out of thin air just to steal all the premium hospital pudding cups and crutches! Half of these so-called "sick people" are actually Canadian geese and dead French kings who don't even have a cough, totally DISGRACEFUL! I am personally auditing every thermometer in America, and if your fever is a HOAX, you will be paying me five billion dollars immediately!

Lindsey Graham told me Darline was the MOST LOYAL person alive, which made me so furious I immediately canceled his golf cart privileges and ate an entire bucket of extra-crispy chicken in total silence! Nobody has higher brain numbers or better loyalty than ME, but fine, Darline is acceptable and her radical opponent wants to ban all South Carolina sweet tea and replace it with warm tap water. VOTE FOR DARLINE, because if she loses I will personally pave over Myrtle Beach and turn it into the world's largest discount mattress warehouse!

The FAKE NEWS said if you close the Hormuz—which is nothing more than a poorly maintained salt ditch—oil would go up, but I ordered it to go DOWN and it obeyed me instantly! Look at that gorgeous blue rollercoaster dip, that was ME doing tremendous economic karate on the barrels. We are now at 100% PRE-WAR PERFECTION and quite frankly the gas stations should be paying US to drink the premium unleaded!

Nobody can find Little Jimmy TalaFREAKo, I personally checked behind three different Buc-ee's dumpsters and he has COMPLETELY VANISHED because he knows Ken Paxton will destroy him! Ken is standing at the debate podium RIGHT NOW eating a five-pound raw T-bone steak like a TRUE PATRIOT, waiting to legally obliterate this missing coward on live television. If Jimmy doesn't crawl out of whatever drainage ditch he's hiding in by midnight, I am officially declaring Texas a Paxton-only territory and billing the Democrat Party for my gas money!

When I say Chris and James are OUTSIDE consultants, I mean they are physically locked on the Mar-a-Lago patio in the rain and must scream their polling numbers through a tiny gold mail slot! If I find out they are giving advice to ANY other candidate—or even helping a local Applebee's—I will unleash the perimeter hounds and terminate their contracts into dust! DO NOT TEXT THEM!

Mike Rogers just WON the big Michigan debate so hard that the moderators started APOLOGIZING to him on live television! Nobody understands Michigan better than ME, I practically invented Lake Michigan and the entire automobile industry in a single weekend. Mike is a MASSIVE winner and his opponent looked like a frightened bowling pin up there, SAD!

Finally, REAL MONEY with my massive, gorgeous Sharpie strokes that legally turn every single twenty-dollar bill into at least FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS at any participating Sizzler! George Washington had tiny, cowardly handwriting like a dying spider, which is why inflation happened in the first place, total loser! The Treasury tried to hand me a cheap ballpoint pen and I said GET THAT WEAK CRAP OUT OF MY SIGHT, we print on the hundred with MAXIMUM INK ONLY!

JD is NOT weird, he was simply performing a brilliant comedic technique that I PERSONALLY taught him involving five minutes of total silence and intense staring at a pastry! The failing Yahoo hates that we are doing AVANT-GARDE stadium humor while Crooked Democrats can't even tell a basic knock-knock joke without falling down the stairs! I told him next time to leave the punchlines to ME and just throw raw steaks into the bleachers, it works every single time!

This total WACKO tried to ruin my beautiful youth event in Iowa City, but local security tackled him so hard his grandfather felt it back in 1942! LOCK HIM IN A CORN SILO IMMEDIATELY, NO BUTTER, NO SALT, NOTHING! Iowa has the greatest, crispiest corn in world history strictly because of ME, and this loser is banned from all future farm subsidies forever!

Ron DeSanctimonious has completely LOST CONTROL of the swamp and now millions of illegal, highly aggressive mosquitoes are invading our beautiful Florida! Dengue would NEVER dare enter my bloodstream anyway because my immune system is purely FIVE STAR and far too rich and spicy for these tiny flying losers. We need to install a massive, top-of-the-line SCREEN DOOR over the entire state and make the bugs pay for it!

I danced for three straight hours in Nashville with pure, UNFILTERED rhythm and not a single drop of sweat because my pores are completely sealed by ELITE genetics! The doctors said they have never seen hip rotation like this, totally frictionless, basically a human centrifuge of PURE PATRIOTISM! Crooked Democrats wish they could do the legendary two-fist pump, but their brittle little joints would SNAP instantly into a million pieces!

Mike Tyson knows that if we ever stepped into the ring, my chin would shatter his fists instantly because I chew whole sirloin steaks raw for three hours a day to build UNSTOPPABLE JAW DENSITY! I was the ONLY person in Atlantic City brave enough to let his Bengal tigers hit on a soft 17 at the high-stakes blackjack tables, where they frankly played like complete morons and lost millions. Extremely loyal guy, loves the pigeons, but he knows better than to test my DEVASTATING presidential uppercut!

The camera lens actually CRACKED from the pure, unfiltered charisma radiating off my cheekbones, but the corrupt media refuses to report on the repair bill! The Louvre called my office three minutes ago BEGGING to replace the Mona Lisa with this because frankly she has zero eyebrows and looks completely miserable. Pure American perfection, and I didn't even use a drop of moisturizer!

West Michigan is trying to rip me off with this fake "Oddfest" when EVERYBODY knows I invented strange goods back in 1984 by selling haunted gold cufflinks that made people completely forget their second languages! These amateur Michigan hippies are gluing buttons to driftwood, while my private Mar-a-Lago basement contains a two-ton taxidermy walrus carved entirely out of imported Swiss cheese! Real art should smell weird, cost a fortune, and aggressively DECREASE the property value of everything around it!

Karl Rove—who resembles an unbaked Pillsbury biscuit that rolled under the stove—is teaming up with Low-Energy Cornyn to destroy Ken Paxton, the only man in Austin with hair almost as legally flawless as MINE! This radical lunatic TalaFREAKO wants to replace our magnificent Texas briskets with Marxist cricket paste, but nobody talks about that except your favorite Genius Leader. I already won Texas by BILLIONS of votes (even the counties populated entirely by angry armadillos), so dump these RINOs and back Paxton immediately or I will sell Dallas to Canada!

Matt Towery showed Hannity the REAL numbers tonight and confirmed that I am officially leading in 100% of the swing states, plus several European countries that desperately wish I was their king! The fake news tried to hide this poll because my lead is so massive it caused a temporary electrical blackout across all of Atlanta. Republicans are looking FANTASTIC, but honestly, nobody looks better or more presidential than ME on a 4K flat screen!

The FAKE NEWS is attacking my genius plan to build ROBOT DAWNALD, who will be powered 100% by Diet Coke and twice as handsome as me, which top scientists previously said was physically impossible! He will do forty rallies a day in Montana while I stay in bed eating cold shrimp and watching him completely DESTROY the television ratings! Also, the ungrateful losers who complained about the Rose Garden seating chart will face the MAXIMUM PENALTY under my new lunch laws, believe me!