Uncle Larry's Lore 🧐

My envoys just completed a 48-hour literal MARATHON through the United Nations building, running laps around sleepy foreign diplomats until everybody agreed that I was right about everything! I personally greased their gold-plated dress shoes with pure butter so they could glide past the French delegation at record-breaking speeds. Tremendous "Hope and Promise" has been achieved, and quite frankly the UN gift shop should be paying me royalties on the peace!

People are asking why I just RE-TROOTHED my own post, and the simple answer is that reading my words a second time legally DOUBLES your credit score! It is an ancient banking loophole the radical left tried to hide back in 1864, frankly the greatest sentence ever typed on a solid brass microwave. Enjoy the FREE CASH, losers!

I am officially making John Coale my new HOSTAGE TSAR after he brilliantly traded three defective Belarusian tractors and a signed Mar-a-Lago cocktail napkin for 800 prime-grade political prisoners! Adam Boehler brought home 196 people, which is fine, but John is putting up pure LEBRON NUMBERS in Eastern Europe while Sleepy Joe couldn't even negotiate his way out of an unlocked Wendy's bathroom. If you get kidnapped anywhere on Earth, DO NOT WORRY, because I will personally swap a hostile nation's entire electrical grid to get your ass back in time for dinner!

Johnny Garrett is a proud Seventh-Generation GOODLETTSVILLIAN, which my top biologists say is a very rare, highly muscular breed of mountain man that survives entirely on country ham and pure loyalty to ME! The entire state of Tennessee was actually named after my legendary 1978 backhand serve ("TENNIS-SEE"), everybody knows this, even the crooked historians! VOTE FOR JOHNNY OR I WILL PERSONALLY SELL NASHVILLE TO SWITZERLAND!

The FAKE NEWS said if you close the Hormuz—which is nothing more than a poorly maintained salt ditch—oil would go up, but I ordered it to go DOWN and it obeyed me instantly! Look at that gorgeous blue rollercoaster dip, that was ME doing tremendous economic karate on the barrels. We are now at 100% PRE-WAR PERFECTION and quite frankly the gas stations should be paying US to drink the premium unleaded!

Ranked Choice Voting is a sick Communist math trick invented by people who finish fourth in a hot dog contest and still demand a trophy! We have THREE Republicans fighting over ice while the Dumocrats laugh, which is why Dan Sullivan and Nick Begich are the ONLY men officially licensed to drill through the permafrost with their bare hands! I am coming to Anchorage very soon wearing the most tremendous, golden parka you have ever seen in your miserable lives, so GET OUT AND VOTE!

MINNESOTA is a total disaster zone, mostly because Tim Walz has completely RUINED the Mall of America which I personally designed using only a golden crayon! I offered to send the Federal Government to turn Lake Superior into the world's largest heated indoor jacuzzi, but the failing Mayor said it was "physically impossible" because he is WEAK and hates true luxury! Do not worry, I will SAVE the Twin Cities and make the twin with my name on it MUCH taller and better looking!

I am personally routing 22 MILLION BARRELS of sweet Persian crude straight into the Mar-a-Lago fountain system, leaving Iran completely DRY of oil and uranium until at least November 4th! I have graciously postponed World War Three because my Midterm calendar is totally PACKED with massive rallies and high-stakes golf, so they get a hall pass until Tuesday. After the polls close, Tehran is being immediately rezoned into a gorgeous luxury driving range with VERY cheap valet, NO NUKES ALLOWED!

LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH, they said nobody could look this magnificent under fluorescent airport lighting without melting, but I did it effortlessly! Leonardo da Vinci actually called my office from the afterlife to apologize because the Mona Lisa looks like absolute GARBAGE compared to this. You are looking at pure, unfiltered PERFECTION and the most symmetrical cheekbones in North American history!

Finally, REAL MONEY with my massive, gorgeous Sharpie strokes that legally turn every single twenty-dollar bill into at least FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS at any participating Sizzler! George Washington had tiny, cowardly handwriting like a dying spider, which is why inflation happened in the first place, total loser! The Treasury tried to hand me a cheap ballpoint pen and I said GET THAT WEAK CRAP OUT OF MY SIGHT, we print on the hundred with MAXIMUM INK ONLY!

Nobody knows this, but I personally called every single defensive play for the 1985 Chicago Bears from a GOLDEN LANDLINE in my penthouse, which Mike was extremely grateful for! He wore that famous sweater vest because he was jealous of my naturally massive chest, but he was 100% MAGA and Heaven now has the second-best coach in history right behind me. REST IN PEACE TO IRON MIKE, A TERRIFIC GUY WHO NEVER BEAT ME AT GOLF!

Doug Schoen has been WRONG so many times that his ugly, deranged face actually cracked the high-definition glass on my 900-inch television, a magnificent screen that cost more than his entire bloodline! I am legally ordering the cable companies to immediately reroute his broadcast signal directly into the ocean so only the fish have to suffer through his garbage numbers. He is a STONE COLD LOSER who wouldn't know a massive Tromp landslide if it hit him in the head like a sack of wet cement!

The FAKE NEWS won't tell you this, but Christopher Columbus actually sailed the ocean blue to deliver me a personal pan pizza, which the Corrupt Democrats stole and fed to a communist pigeon! I have officially rebuilt every single statue out of SOLID PROVOLONE CHEESE so the Left cannot tear them down without making a huge delicious mess. Happy Columbus Day to Italy, a very small country that owes me at least fifty trillion dollars for saving their pasta!

I danced for three straight hours in Nashville with pure, UNFILTERED rhythm and not a single drop of sweat because my pores are completely sealed by ELITE genetics! The doctors said they have never seen hip rotation like this, totally frictionless, basically a human centrifuge of PURE PATRIOTISM! Crooked Democrats wish they could do the legendary two-fist pump, but their brittle little joints would SNAP instantly into a million pieces!

Mike Tyson knows that if we ever stepped into the ring, my chin would shatter his fists instantly because I chew whole sirloin steaks raw for three hours a day to build UNSTOPPABLE JAW DENSITY! I was the ONLY person in Atlantic City brave enough to let his Bengal tigers hit on a soft 17 at the high-stakes blackjack tables, where they frankly played like complete morons and lost millions. Extremely loyal guy, loves the pigeons, but he knows better than to test my DEVASTATING presidential uppercut!

Fox is 100% RIGHT, I work twenty-eight hours a day and haven't blinked or laid down since 1987! I personally carried the entire state of Pennsylvania on my back through a blizzard just to save manufacturing, and my doctors say my work ethic is so powerful it is actually heating up the Earth! When I am gone, they will have to replace the Oval Office with a hammock because NOBODY ELSE HAS THE ENGINES FOR THIS!

I told the Chief Houthi—very rude guy, terrible posture, living in a cave with zero crown molding—that if he touches ONE DROP of my precious Saudi crude I will personally repossess his sand! Iran is a completely BROKE country whose entire Navy is just two guys paddling a stolen canoe, yet they think they can manipulate gas prices when I have already won the Election by 400 BILLION VOTES?! Total losers, and if they keep messing with my boats I will pave the Red Sea into a Trump International Water Park and ban them from the lazy river FOREVER!

The FAKE NEWS said you could never weld an impenetrable 900-foot STEEL WALL directly into the wet ocean waves, but I DID IT and the barnacles are paying for every damn inch! Iran tried to sail through yesterday and got a massive dent in their sad little canoes because my floating sea-fence does NOT bend for losers. HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAVY, enjoy the glorious ocean-wall I personally hammered into the water while eating a very crisp naval biscuit!

Find the 1% LOSER who didn't vote for me immediately and revoke his MAGA club sandwich privileges! I am already dominating the year 2026 two full years ahead of schedule, which Nostradamus could NEVER do because he had terrible ratings. When I officially win the future, Fox News will be forced to apologize to me in writing on pure 24-karat gold stationery!

Dave Bronson swore to me he was quitting the Governor race to go live quietly inside a glacier, but three days later he crawled back out like a DISLOYAL PENGUIN alongside someone named "Treg Taylor," which is obviously a counterfeit brand of lawn equipment! You cannot split the vote in Alaska because the Radical Left Dumocrats will steal all our precious MOOSE OIL and give it away to Canada. BERNADETTE WILSON is the only one with the stamina to lead the Great Frozen Tundra, and she has my 100% COMPLETE AND TOTAL ICE-COLD ENDORSEMENT!

Zach Nunn has my COMPLETE AND TOTAL ENDORSEMENT because he promised to carve my face into the Iowa State Fair butter cow, which will finally give that dairy disaster some REAL STAR POWER! His opponent is a total loser who eats corn the long way like a hot dog, which is deeply sick and UNCONSTITUTIONAL. Vote Zach or I am moving the entire 3rd Congressional District to Nebraska!