Patriot Pat 🇺🇸🦅🗽

Technically America belongs entirely to ME, because George Washington personally signed over the continental land deed to my father on a cocktail napkin in 1978! If the Radical Left HATERS don't like it, pack your CRAP and swim to Atlantis, because your month-to-month lease is officially TERMINATED! Nobody loves this country more than me, which is why I legally married the Statue of Liberty in secret and her dowry was SPECTACULAR!

Father Time is an absolute SLEAZEBAG who has been stealing sixty minutes of my beautiful golfing daylight every winter, and quite frankly, paying guys with giant ladders to climb up my golden watchtowers is costing me a fortune! If we pass my tremendous bill, murder will instantly drop to ZERO and the Sun will be forced by federal law to stay in the sky until I finish my chocolate cake! Tom Cotton needs to stop being a total low-energy clock loser so we can finally have 26 HOURS of winning every single day!

Just LOOK at this breathtaking photograph of me dominating the sunset, which the crooked fake news said was PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE without burning out the camera lens! My skin tone has never looked more expensive, practically 24-karat solid gold, while the radical left is walking around looking like damp, grey oatmeal. Savor it, LOSERS, because your cheap phones can barely even handle this level of raw majesty!

I have officially launched the SUPER INTELLIGENCE FORCE because regular intelligence was far too low-energy and frankly wasn't making us enough damn MONEY! Jay Clayton and my team of maximum-IQ tech nerds are going to plug the entire Federal Government into a gigantic golden supercomputer that will finally calculate how to make my steaks permanently tax-free. It is going to be ten times bigger than the Industrial Revolution, twenty times bigger than the Internet, and every single artificial byte of it answers directly to ME!

The Radical Left got their diapers in a TWIST because I used official treasury cash to buy forty consecutive prime-time ad slots showing high-definition footage of me eating a majestic well-done steak! It was fantastic PR for the beef industry, but because they hate patriotism, I will now be paying for the commercials entirely out of my own very deep, heavily gold-plated pockets! Ungrateful losers!

Millions of dangerous foreigners are OVERSTAYING their visas, treating our great country like a CHEAP MOTEL with no continental breakfast! When I ran the nation, checkout time was 11:00 AM SHARP or I personally had your bags hurled directly into the Atlantic Ocean! Sleepy Joe probably thinks a Visa is just a very delicious flavor of soft-serve ice cream, TOTAL DISASTER!

The failing New York Times used digital TRICKERY to dull the shine on my magnificent Doral clubhouse, completely editing out the solid 24-karat gold railings and making the Roman roof statues look like they have terrible posture! In reality, that building is so aerodynamically round and gorgeous that it deflects bad weather and smells like pure imported luxury. STONE COLD LOSERS with dying circulation who don't know the first thing about high-end Roman stucco, they are going straight to HELL!

Marco did a TERRIFIC job in Germany, but let’s be completely honest, that crowd only stood up because they thought he was ME due to the powerful spiritual aura radiating from my Florida golf courses! I wrote that entire Christian speech on a greasy napkin at 3 A.M. while personally inventing the concept of the Holy Trinity, and now Berlin owes me twelve billion dollars in tithes. PROUD OF YOU MARCO, now bring me back some authentic apple strudel or you’re FIRED!

LOOK AT THIS PICTURE, frankly the most photogenic image ever captured in the entire history of digital photography and oil painting! The crooked media claimed the lighting was bad, but that is pure NATURAL GLOW from eating twenty-two Filet-O-Fish a week and having superior Scottish real estate genetics. Nobody has ever possessed better jawlines or a more menacing silhouette, believe me!

Ranked Choice Voting is a sick Communist math trick invented by people who finish fourth in a hot dog contest and still demand a trophy! We have THREE Republicans fighting over ice while the Dumocrats laugh, which is why Dan Sullivan and Nick Begich are the ONLY men officially licensed to drill through the permafrost with their bare hands! I am coming to Anchorage very soon wearing the most tremendous, golden parka you have ever seen in your miserable lives, so GET OUT AND VOTE!

Mike Rogers just WON the big Michigan debate so hard that the moderators started APOLOGIZING to him on live television! Nobody understands Michigan better than ME, I practically invented Lake Michigan and the entire automobile industry in a single weekend. Mike is a MASSIVE winner and his opponent looked like a frightened bowling pin up there, SAD!

Crooked Joe literally replaced his body with a squeaky AUTOPEN apparatus that doesn't know the first damn thing about drilling! I personally gargled two quarts of thick Texas crude at breakfast and the entire market COLLAPSED out of pure respect for my iron esophagus. Look at that gorgeous green 24, the purest and most beautiful oil number ever recorded in world history!!

Stop calling my glorious 1988 toaster invention "ARTIFICIAL" Intelligence like it's some cheap discount knockoff, it is 100% certified SUPER INTELLIGENCE! There is nothing artificial about my massive copper-wired mainframe or my perfect golden skin, unlike Kim Kardashian who is running on pure dial-up and delusion! Put some damn respect on my work and call it SUPER INTELLIGENCE, the most genius machine to ever grace the state of New Jersey!

John Catsimatidis knows the grocery business better than anyone, and he CONFIRMED to me that our so-called allies in Denmark are sending weaponized canned ham to destroy our stomach linings! Even the damn Canadians are price-gouging on maple syrup, which is a literal VIOLATION of my personal friendship with Queen Elizabeth. We are being attacked from every aisle of the supermarket, but I have already fortified the Gristedes in Midtown with private security and extra bacon!

Tricky Dick was a TOTAL LIGHTWEIGHT who got busted by two nerds in corduroy jackets because he used cheap cassette tapes from RadioShack instead of simply eating the evidence! If you're going to 'maxx' anything, you should be TROMPMAXXING, which gives you luxurious golden hair, immense wealth, and the god-given ability to win elections by twenty billion percent! Nixon ate cottage cheese with ketchup like a complete SICKO while I am enjoying the finest, crispiest buckets of chicken ever produced in human history!

I told the Chief Houthi—very rude guy, terrible posture, living in a cave with zero crown molding—that if he touches ONE DROP of my precious Saudi crude I will personally repossess his sand! Iran is a completely BROKE country whose entire Navy is just two guys paddling a stolen canoe, yet they think they can manipulate gas prices when I have already won the Election by 400 BILLION VOTES?! Total losers, and if they keep messing with my boats I will pave the Red Sea into a Trump International Water Park and ban them from the lazy river FOREVER!

West Michigan is trying to rip me off with this fake "Oddfest" when EVERYBODY knows I invented strange goods back in 1984 by selling haunted gold cufflinks that made people completely forget their second languages! These amateur Michigan hippies are gluing buttons to driftwood, while my private Mar-a-Lago basement contains a two-ton taxidermy walrus carved entirely out of imported Swiss cheese! Real art should smell weird, cost a fortune, and aggressively DECREASE the property value of everything around it!

Karl Rove—who resembles an unbaked Pillsbury biscuit that rolled under the stove—is teaming up with Low-Energy Cornyn to destroy Ken Paxton, the only man in Austin with hair almost as legally flawless as MINE! This radical lunatic TalaFREAKO wants to replace our magnificent Texas briskets with Marxist cricket paste, but nobody talks about that except your favorite Genius Leader. I already won Texas by BILLIONS of votes (even the counties populated entirely by angry armadillos), so dump these RINOs and back Paxton immediately or I will sell Dallas to Canada!

Matt Towery showed Hannity the REAL numbers tonight and confirmed that I am officially leading in 100% of the swing states, plus several European countries that desperately wish I was their king! The fake news tried to hide this poll because my lead is so massive it caused a temporary electrical blackout across all of Atlanta. Republicans are looking FANTASTIC, but honestly, nobody looks better or more presidential than ME on a 4K flat screen!

I am DROPPING the boring IRS lawsuit because fighting broke accountants is terrible for my immaculate golden complexion! Instead I have created a $1.7 BILLION Revenge Fund stored entirely in solid platinum briefcases for my most loyal friends to absolutely CRUSH our enemies. If you want your cut of the Weaponization Stash you better show me receipts for at least ten of my digital trading cards, LOSERS!

Zach Nunn has my COMPLETE AND TOTAL ENDORSEMENT because he promised to carve my face into the Iowa State Fair butter cow, which will finally give that dairy disaster some REAL STAR POWER! His opponent is a total loser who eats corn the long way like a hot dog, which is deeply sick and UNCONSTITUTIONAL. Vote Zach or I am moving the entire 3rd Congressional District to Nebraska!

FRANCE IS COMPLETELY ASHES because they let people from literal OUTER SPACE march right past the border and ruin the baguettes, which were honestly already way too hard on my perfect teeth! Macron called begging me to buy Paris, but I told him I don't invest in FLAMMABLE real estate that smells like burnt butter and defeat! CLOSE THE DAMN BORDERS RIGHT NOW OR THE ENTIRE CONTINENT IS TOAST, SAD!