Rep. Dusty Rhodes (KS-09) 🇺🇸

Technically America belongs entirely to ME, because George Washington personally signed over the continental land deed to my father on a cocktail napkin in 1978! If the Radical Left HATERS don't like it, pack your CRAP and swim to Atlantis, because your month-to-month lease is officially TERMINATED! Nobody loves this country more than me, which is why I legally married the Statue of Liberty in secret and her dowry was SPECTACULAR!

Bayer wanted to build their giant aspirin palace in Germany, but I told their CEO that if he didn't put it in Columbus I would personally outlaw HEADACHES forever and bankrupt his entire crooked little company! Now Ohio gets a 2.2 BILLION DOLLAR pill fortress where every single vitamin will legally have my extremely handsome silhouette stamped directly onto it for maximum chewable flavor. They are already begging to rename the city TROMPBUS, and honestly, why the hell shouldn't they?!

Millions of dangerous foreigners are OVERSTAYING their visas, treating our great country like a CHEAP MOTEL with no continental breakfast! When I ran the nation, checkout time was 11:00 AM SHARP or I personally had your bags hurled directly into the Atlantic Ocean! Sleepy Joe probably thinks a Visa is just a very delicious flavor of soft-serve ice cream, TOTAL DISASTER!

Nobody even knew Wyoming was a real place until I invented the RECTANGLE back in 1984, but Chuck Gray has guarded every square inch of my beautiful dirt from the radical coyotes! The cows out there love ME more than their own farmer fathers, frankly they refuse to produce milk unless my golden face is painted directly on the barn! Chuck will go to crooked Washington, cut every damn tax down to ZERO DOLLARS, and finally build the fifty-story gold casino Cheyenne has been begging me for!

Marco did a TERRIFIC job in Germany, but let’s be completely honest, that crowd only stood up because they thought he was ME due to the powerful spiritual aura radiating from my Florida golf courses! I wrote that entire Christian speech on a greasy napkin at 3 A.M. while personally inventing the concept of the Holy Trinity, and now Berlin owes me twelve billion dollars in tithes. PROUD OF YOU MARCO, now bring me back some authentic apple strudel or you’re FIRED!

The FAKE NEWS said if you close the Hormuz—which is nothing more than a poorly maintained salt ditch—oil would go up, but I ordered it to go DOWN and it obeyed me instantly! Look at that gorgeous blue rollercoaster dip, that was ME doing tremendous economic karate on the barrels. We are now at 100% PRE-WAR PERFECTION and quite frankly the gas stations should be paying US to drink the premium unleaded!

LOOK AT THIS PICTURE, frankly the most photogenic image ever captured in the entire history of digital photography and oil painting! The crooked media claimed the lighting was bad, but that is pure NATURAL GLOW from eating twenty-two Filet-O-Fish a week and having superior Scottish real estate genetics. Nobody has ever possessed better jawlines or a more menacing silhouette, believe me!

Steve Witkoff is keeping the lights on, but frankly the electricity bill in Russia is OUT OF CONTROL and I told Putin we are not paying a single damn ruble! I negotiated this entire historic swap in four minutes flat while eating a beautiful bucket of extra-crispy chicken, which Vladimir BEGGED me for a piece of, but I said ABSOLUTELY NOT! Marc is coming home because nobody understands high-end hostage real estate better than ME!

I told Tom Tiffany I was giving Wisconsin 17.9 Million, but then I violently ROUNDED UP to 18 Million because nobody understands the raw power of the decimal point like Dawnald J. Tromp! That nasty, low-rated tornado targeted the CHEESE on purpose out of pure jealousy, but the winds immediately died down the second they smelled the liquidity of my golden checkbook. Elect Tom as Governor or I will personally come up there and repossess that extra hundred grand in deep-fried curds!

Mike Rogers just WON the big Michigan debate so hard that the moderators started APOLOGIZING to him on live television! Nobody understands Michigan better than ME, I practically invented Lake Michigan and the entire automobile industry in a single weekend. Mike is a MASSIVE winner and his opponent looked like a frightened bowling pin up there, SAD!

Crooked Joe literally replaced his body with a squeaky AUTOPEN apparatus that doesn't know the first damn thing about drilling! I personally gargled two quarts of thick Texas crude at breakfast and the entire market COLLAPSED out of pure respect for my iron esophagus. Look at that gorgeous green 24, the purest and most beautiful oil number ever recorded in world history!!

The FAKE NEWS at Yahoo is crying because I told the perfectly NORMAL and romantic story about how Melania’s body does not produce body heat, only luxury cooling like a Sub-Zero refrigerator! She has NEVER blinked in thirty-two years because her eyelids are made of pure, uninterrupted elegance that completely terrifies the Radical Left. It is called PEAK BIOLOGY, losers, and frankly my marital anecdotes are the most scientifically accurate stories ever told!

They are looking all over Mount Ararat like TOTAL FOOLS when in fact I purchased Noah’s Ark in 1984 for very cheap and converted it into a gorgeous luxury timeshare! Noah used gopher wood which is complete and utter CRAP, so I replaced the entire hull with 24-karat gold and banned the pelicans because they have nasty attitudes. It is currently parked right behind Mar-a-Lago and the seafood buffet alone is worth forty billion dollars!

Little Ryan Seacrest has VERY BIZARRE habits, probably eating birdseed and wearing tiny shoes, totally unwatchable on television! When I hosted The Apprentice, my only habit was PERFECT RATINGS and firing total dopes, which they should do to Ryan immediately. Give Wheel of Fortune to ME, I would spin that cheap plastic wheel so hard it would fly directly into the Atlantic Ocean!

Denzel knows greatness when he sees it, which is why he begged me to play the main villain in *The Equalizer 4*—pure raw power, no stunt double needed! I had to turn it down because Hollywood catering uses DISGUSTING synthetic butter, but I appreciate the extreme loyalty from a top-tier actor. KING KONG DOES NOT HAVE CRAP ON ME, very true and very powerful!

West Michigan thinks their little "Oddfest" has strange goods, but I personally invented BIZARRE CRAFTS in 1988 when I hot-glued twelve raw hot dogs to a velvet picture of the Taj Mahal and sold it for millions! These local Michigan losers are selling knitted socks and calling it weird, which is a TOTAL DISGRACE to the freak-art community. Real oddities must be dripping in 24-karat gold or you simply have NO TALENT!

I told the Chief Houthi—very rude guy, terrible posture, living in a cave with zero crown molding—that if he touches ONE DROP of my precious Saudi crude I will personally repossess his sand! Iran is a completely BROKE country whose entire Navy is just two guys paddling a stolen canoe, yet they think they can manipulate gas prices when I have already won the Election by 400 BILLION VOTES?! Total losers, and if they keep messing with my boats I will pave the Red Sea into a Trump International Water Park and ban them from the lazy river FOREVER!

Dave Bronson swore to me he was quitting the Governor race to go live quietly inside a glacier, but three days later he crawled back out like a DISLOYAL PENGUIN alongside someone named "Treg Taylor," which is obviously a counterfeit brand of lawn equipment! You cannot split the vote in Alaska because the Radical Left Dumocrats will steal all our precious MOOSE OIL and give it away to Canada. BERNADETTE WILSON is the only one with the stamina to lead the Great Frozen Tundra, and she has my 100% COMPLETE AND TOTAL ICE-COLD ENDORSEMENT!

I have done more for HBCUs than Abraham Lincoln, Frederick Douglass, and Harriet Tubman COMBINED, and frankly none of those losers ever secured $255 MILLION in cold hard cash like I did! In fact, I literally time-traveled into the year 2025 to deliver another $1.3 billion because my presidential schedule operates purely on sheer STAMINA and winning! Without my incredible Opportunity Zones, every single one of these distressed areas would just be an abandoned Arby’s parking lot, YOU'RE WELCOME!

You are very welcome, Bibi, nobody has done more for the Holy Land than me, not even King Solomon who had terrible ratings and WAY too many wives! If Iran even THINKS about building a nuclear missile I will personally buy their entire desert and turn it into the world’s most profitable sand-hazard golf resort. The Ayatollah will be wiping down my golf carts for minimum wage by Tuesday, BELIEVE ME!

Little Marco did NOT contradict me on television, he was clearly confused because his platform boots are cutting off the circulation to his tiny head! I actually invented foreign policy back in 1983 behind an Arby's in Queens, and he was just misquoting my legendary, highly classified napkin notes. He will issue a complete apology by tomorrow morning or I am revoking his access to the Mar-a-Lago shrimp tower PERMANENTLY!