Hannah 📚✊

My envoys just completed a 48-hour literal MARATHON through the United Nations building, running laps around sleepy foreign diplomats until everybody agreed that I was right about everything! I personally greased their gold-plated dress shoes with pure butter so they could glide past the French delegation at record-breaking speeds. Tremendous "Hope and Promise" has been achieved, and quite frankly the UN gift shop should be paying me royalties on the peace!

Technically America belongs entirely to ME, because George Washington personally signed over the continental land deed to my father on a cocktail napkin in 1978! If the Radical Left HATERS don't like it, pack your CRAP and swim to Atlantis, because your month-to-month lease is officially TERMINATED! Nobody loves this country more than me, which is why I legally married the Statue of Liberty in secret and her dowry was SPECTACULAR!

My pilot said it was AERODYNAMICALLY IMPOSSIBLE to fly from Manhattan to Tulsa in nine minutes, so I fired him mid-flight and simply stepped on the gas pedal myself! We are coming in so FAST that time is actually moving backwards over the panhandle, which means you technically owe me an extra hour of wild applause. Get ready OKLAHOMA, the landing gear is completely melted off but my hair looks STUNNING!

Bayer wanted to build their giant aspirin palace in Germany, but I told their CEO that if he didn't put it in Columbus I would personally outlaw HEADACHES forever and bankrupt his entire crooked little company! Now Ohio gets a 2.2 BILLION DOLLAR pill fortress where every single vitamin will legally have my extremely handsome silhouette stamped directly onto it for maximum chewable flavor. They are already begging to rename the city TROMPBUS, and honestly, why the hell shouldn't they?!

The brilliant President of Cyprus—a tremendous island named after a very expensive tree—knows nobody makes deals like I do! He says the “SKY IS THE LIMIT,” but frankly I just purchased the sky and the clouds now owe me millions in back rent. You ALWAYS know where you stand with me, which is directly on my gold-plated travertine tile looking UP at greatness!

Sleepy Joe invented 12 MILLION fake patients out of thin air just to steal all the premium hospital pudding cups and crutches! Half of these so-called "sick people" are actually Canadian geese and dead French kings who don't even have a cough, totally DISGRACEFUL! I am personally auditing every thermometer in America, and if your fever is a HOAX, you will be paying me five billion dollars immediately!

Lindsey Graham told me Darline was the MOST LOYAL person alive, which made me so furious I immediately canceled his golf cart privileges and ate an entire bucket of extra-crispy chicken in total silence! Nobody has higher brain numbers or better loyalty than ME, but fine, Darline is acceptable and her radical opponent wants to ban all South Carolina sweet tea and replace it with warm tap water. VOTE FOR DARLINE, because if she loses I will personally pave over Myrtle Beach and turn it into the world's largest discount mattress warehouse!

Nobody can find Little Jimmy TalaFREAKo, I personally checked behind three different Buc-ee's dumpsters and he has COMPLETELY VANISHED because he knows Ken Paxton will destroy him! Ken is standing at the debate podium RIGHT NOW eating a five-pound raw T-bone steak like a TRUE PATRIOT, waiting to legally obliterate this missing coward on live television. If Jimmy doesn't crawl out of whatever drainage ditch he's hiding in by midnight, I am officially declaring Texas a Paxton-only territory and billing the Democrat Party for my gas money!

Steve Witkoff is keeping the lights on, but frankly the electricity bill in Russia is OUT OF CONTROL and I told Putin we are not paying a single damn ruble! I negotiated this entire historic swap in four minutes flat while eating a beautiful bucket of extra-crispy chicken, which Vladimir BEGGED me for a piece of, but I said ABSOLUTELY NOT! Marc is coming home because nobody understands high-end hostage real estate better than ME!

When I say Chris and James are OUTSIDE consultants, I mean they are physically locked on the Mar-a-Lago patio in the rain and must scream their polling numbers through a tiny gold mail slot! If I find out they are giving advice to ANY other candidate—or even helping a local Applebee's—I will unleash the perimeter hounds and terminate their contracts into dust! DO NOT TEXT THEM!

Annie Andrews is a TOTAL DISASTER who wants to check everybody's reflexes with those cheap rubber hammers, but my reflexes are so lightning-fast I would kick her into another dimension! She claims she is a top doctor, yet she has NEVER ONCE prescribed a bucket of extra crispy chicken to a sick child, which is proven luxury medicine! Do NOT trust this woman around your tonsils, folks!

Artificial" sounds cheap, like synthetic polyester pants or the fake marble Obama put in the downstairs bathroom, which is why I officially upgraded every computer in the nation to SUPER INTELLIGENCE! If I catch you whispering "AI" near a router, the FBI will legally repossess your Wi-Fi password and give it to a deserving patriot. TOTAL VICTORY over the floppy disks!

Crooked Joe literally replaced his body with a squeaky AUTOPEN apparatus that doesn't know the first damn thing about drilling! I personally gargled two quarts of thick Texas crude at breakfast and the entire market COLLAPSED out of pure respect for my iron esophagus. Look at that gorgeous green 24, the purest and most beautiful oil number ever recorded in world history!!

Stop calling my glorious 1988 toaster invention "ARTIFICIAL" Intelligence like it's some cheap discount knockoff, it is 100% certified SUPER INTELLIGENCE! There is nothing artificial about my massive copper-wired mainframe or my perfect golden skin, unlike Kim Kardashian who is running on pure dial-up and delusion! Put some damn respect on my work and call it SUPER INTELLIGENCE, the most genius machine to ever grace the state of New Jersey!

This total WACKO tried to ruin my beautiful youth event in Iowa City, but local security tackled him so hard his grandfather felt it back in 1942! LOCK HIM IN A CORN SILO IMMEDIATELY, NO BUTTER, NO SALT, NOTHING! Iowa has the greatest, crispiest corn in world history strictly because of ME, and this loser is banned from all future farm subsidies forever!

Ron DeSanctimonious has completely LOST CONTROL of the swamp and now millions of illegal, highly aggressive mosquitoes are invading our beautiful Florida! Dengue would NEVER dare enter my bloodstream anyway because my immune system is purely FIVE STAR and far too rich and spicy for these tiny flying losers. We need to install a massive, top-of-the-line SCREEN DOOR over the entire state and make the bugs pay for it!

I told the Chief Houthi—very rude guy, terrible posture, living in a cave with zero crown molding—that if he touches ONE DROP of my precious Saudi crude I will personally repossess his sand! Iran is a completely BROKE country whose entire Navy is just two guys paddling a stolen canoe, yet they think they can manipulate gas prices when I have already won the Election by 400 BILLION VOTES?! Total losers, and if they keep messing with my boats I will pave the Red Sea into a Trump International Water Park and ban them from the lazy river FOREVER!

Gregg Jarrett finally EXPOSES the dirty FBI plot, proving I have never once colluded because I refuse to even eat Russian dressing when Thousand Island has vastly SUPERIOR square footage! Robert Mueller framed me using fake dossiers printed on low-grade Canadian birch, which is the CHEAPEST and most treasonous wood on earth. A MUST WATCH, and frankly Gregg’s magnificent necktie deserves its own show!

Find the 1% LOSER who didn't vote for me immediately and revoke his MAGA club sandwich privileges! I am already dominating the year 2026 two full years ahead of schedule, which Nostradamus could NEVER do because he had terrible ratings. When I officially win the future, Fox News will be forced to apologize to me in writing on pure 24-karat gold stationery!

Denmark said I couldn't buy it, so I grew to a RECORD-BREAKING nine hundred feet tall just to look over their tiny little dirt hills and inspect my future lawn! Extremely cute village, but every single one of those houses is getting knocked down for a magnificent GOLD-PLATED igloo casino! Practically free real estate, and quite frankly the Arctic wind does wonders for my hair!!

Dave Bronson swore to me he was quitting the Governor race to go live quietly inside a glacier, but three days later he crawled back out like a DISLOYAL PENGUIN alongside someone named "Treg Taylor," which is obviously a counterfeit brand of lawn equipment! You cannot split the vote in Alaska because the Radical Left Dumocrats will steal all our precious MOOSE OIL and give it away to Canada. BERNADETTE WILSON is the only one with the stamina to lead the Great Frozen Tundra, and she has my 100% COMPLETE AND TOTAL ICE-COLD ENDORSEMENT!

Karl Rove—who resembles an unbaked Pillsbury biscuit that rolled under the stove—is teaming up with Low-Energy Cornyn to destroy Ken Paxton, the only man in Austin with hair almost as legally flawless as MINE! This radical lunatic TalaFREAKO wants to replace our magnificent Texas briskets with Marxist cricket paste, but nobody talks about that except your favorite Genius Leader. I already won Texas by BILLIONS of votes (even the counties populated entirely by angry armadillos), so dump these RINOs and back Paxton immediately or I will sell Dallas to Canada!

Sammy Alito is a TRUE PATRIOT who knows that once he steps down, I am legally taking his seat and running BOTH the Supreme Court and the country simultaneously! I will be wearing a tremendously heavy solid gold robe, and frankly, my legal decisions are going to be MUCH faster and 100% in my favor. Enjoy your retirement, Sam, you are now the Head Greenskeeper at Bedminster which is frankly a MASSIVE promotion!

Look at my MASSIVE, beautiful red block towering over Biden’s tiny pathetic blue pebble like a golden skyscraper over a dump! The Fake News says September 2026 hasn't even happened yet, but I personally negotiated with Father Time to release the stock numbers EARLY because the economy couldn't wait for my genius. Wall Street had to physically buy taller monitors just to see how rich I made everybody!

I am DROPPING the boring IRS lawsuit because fighting broke accountants is terrible for my immaculate golden complexion! Instead I have created a $1.7 BILLION Revenge Fund stored entirely in solid platinum briefcases for my most loyal friends to absolutely CRUSH our enemies. If you want your cut of the Weaponization Stash you better show me receipts for at least ten of my digital trading cards, LOSERS!

Zach Nunn has my COMPLETE AND TOTAL ENDORSEMENT because he promised to carve my face into the Iowa State Fair butter cow, which will finally give that dairy disaster some REAL STAR POWER! His opponent is a total loser who eats corn the long way like a hot dog, which is deeply sick and UNCONSTITUTIONAL. Vote Zach or I am moving the entire 3rd Congressional District to Nebraska!

Darline Graham is a MAGNIFICENT woman and a true Southern Belle who makes a tremendous, very crispy peach cobbler in the Senate basement every single Tuesday! Nobody defends my incredible record on television better while wearing a sensible pastel pantsuit, and if you don't re-elect her I will personally sell Charleston to Bermuda for CASH! She will NEVER let you down, Darline is easily my favorite female senator and frankly she smells like fresh magnolias and TOTAL LOYALTY!

Little Marco did NOT contradict me on television, he was clearly confused because his platform boots are cutting off the circulation to his tiny head! I actually invented foreign policy back in 1983 behind an Arby's in Queens, and he was just misquoting my legendary, highly classified napkin notes. He will issue a complete apology by tomorrow morning or I am revoking his access to the Mar-a-Lago shrimp tower PERMANENTLY!