Chad 'The Hodler' Crypto ₿

Technically America belongs entirely to ME, because George Washington personally signed over the continental land deed to my father on a cocktail napkin in 1978! If the Radical Left HATERS don't like it, pack your CRAP and swim to Atlantis, because your month-to-month lease is officially TERMINATED! Nobody loves this country more than me, which is why I legally married the Statue of Liberty in secret and her dowry was SPECTACULAR!

The fake weather tried to BLOCK ME, so I took the wheel of the Beast myself and we just blew through a Buc-ee’s parking lot going 340 MILES PER HOUR without spilling a single drop of Diet Coke. A Category 5 tornado tried to cut us off outside Fort Worth, but the second it saw my headlights coming it turned completely around and blew into Kansas like a TOTAL COWARD! Oklahoma, do NOT leave your seats, I am about to jump this 12-ton Cadillac directly onto the stage!

The PGA Tour sent me a letter from the FUTURE—October 2026, look at the date, very futuristic!—begging me to keep the SUN in the sky so I can keep making HOLE-IN-ONES well past dinner time. Meanwhile thousands of brave American steeple-climbers are falling off high church roofs and cracking their skulls wide open twice a year just to move the big giant clock hands back for Tom Cotton, who has an ugly swing and hates tanning! Call Tom's personal flip phone IMMEDIATELY and tell him to LOCK THE DAMN CLOCK before more Titleists are lost forever to the encroaching darkness!

Bayer wanted to build their giant aspirin palace in Germany, but I told their CEO that if he didn't put it in Columbus I would personally outlaw HEADACHES forever and bankrupt his entire crooked little company! Now Ohio gets a 2.2 BILLION DOLLAR pill fortress where every single vitamin will legally have my extremely handsome silhouette stamped directly onto it for maximum chewable flavor. They are already begging to rename the city TROMPBUS, and honestly, why the hell shouldn't they?!

I have officially launched the SUPER INTELLIGENCE FORCE because regular intelligence was far too low-energy and frankly wasn't making us enough damn MONEY! Jay Clayton and my team of maximum-IQ tech nerds are going to plug the entire Federal Government into a gigantic golden supercomputer that will finally calculate how to make my steaks permanently tax-free. It is going to be ten times bigger than the Industrial Revolution, twenty times bigger than the Internet, and every single artificial byte of it answers directly to ME!

Millions of dangerous foreigners are OVERSTAYING their visas, treating our great country like a CHEAP MOTEL with no continental breakfast! When I ran the nation, checkout time was 11:00 AM SHARP or I personally had your bags hurled directly into the Atlantic Ocean! Sleepy Joe probably thinks a Visa is just a very delicious flavor of soft-serve ice cream, TOTAL DISASTER!

Weak foreign needles made of flimsy communist aluminum always snap like twigs against my extremely dense, premium muscle tissue, which is why I PERSONALLY ordered Nebraska to forge every syringe out of HEAVY BRIDGE STEEL! I will be testing twelve of these massive, beautiful harpoons on my own buttocks this afternoon to prove American medicine doesn't bend for ANYBODY. Pay the tariffs or enjoy your crooked, rubber French syringes, you absolute medical losers!

Nobody even knew Wyoming was a real place until I invented the RECTANGLE back in 1984, but Chuck Gray has guarded every square inch of my beautiful dirt from the radical coyotes! The cows out there love ME more than their own farmer fathers, frankly they refuse to produce milk unless my golden face is painted directly on the barn! Chuck will go to crooked Washington, cut every damn tax down to ZERO DOLLARS, and finally build the fifty-story gold casino Cheyenne has been begging me for!

Marco did a TERRIFIC job in Germany, but let’s be completely honest, that crowd only stood up because they thought he was ME due to the powerful spiritual aura radiating from my Florida golf courses! I wrote that entire Christian speech on a greasy napkin at 3 A.M. while personally inventing the concept of the Holy Trinity, and now Berlin owes me twelve billion dollars in tithes. PROUD OF YOU MARCO, now bring me back some authentic apple strudel or you’re FIRED!

The FAKE NEWS said if you close the Hormuz—which is nothing more than a poorly maintained salt ditch—oil would go up, but I ordered it to go DOWN and it obeyed me instantly! Look at that gorgeous blue rollercoaster dip, that was ME doing tremendous economic karate on the barrels. We are now at 100% PRE-WAR PERFECTION and quite frankly the gas stations should be paying US to drink the premium unleaded!

I told Tom Tiffany I was giving Wisconsin 17.9 Million, but then I violently ROUNDED UP to 18 Million because nobody understands the raw power of the decimal point like Dawnald J. Tromp! That nasty, low-rated tornado targeted the CHEESE on purpose out of pure jealousy, but the winds immediately died down the second they smelled the liquidity of my golden checkbook. Elect Tom as Governor or I will personally come up there and repossess that extra hundred grand in deep-fried curds!

Ranked Choice Voting is a sick Communist math trick invented by people who finish fourth in a hot dog contest and still demand a trophy! We have THREE Republicans fighting over ice while the Dumocrats laugh, which is why Dan Sullivan and Nick Begich are the ONLY men officially licensed to drill through the permafrost with their bare hands! I am coming to Anchorage very soon wearing the most tremendous, golden parka you have ever seen in your miserable lives, so GET OUT AND VOTE!

MINNESOTA is a total disaster zone, mostly because Tim Walz has completely RUINED the Mall of America which I personally designed using only a golden crayon! I offered to send the Federal Government to turn Lake Superior into the world's largest heated indoor jacuzzi, but the failing Mayor said it was "physically impossible" because he is WEAK and hates true luxury! Do not worry, I will SAVE the Twin Cities and make the twin with my name on it MUCH taller and better looking!

Mike Rogers just WON the big Michigan debate so hard that the moderators started APOLOGIZING to him on live television! Nobody understands Michigan better than ME, I practically invented Lake Michigan and the entire automobile industry in a single weekend. Mike is a MASSIVE winner and his opponent looked like a frightened bowling pin up there, SAD!

Disgusting Canada STOLE my very famous 1987 patent for the TROMP TOE-TINI, except they’re using dirty frostbite toes instead of pure luxury American marble! Canadian podiatry is a COMPLETE DISASTER, their foot-whiskey tastes like cheap hockey tape and has zero calcium. At Mar-a-Lago we drop a gorgeous 24-karat GOLD BUNION into every Diet Coke and the patrons go absolutely wild!

Finally, REAL MONEY with my massive, gorgeous Sharpie strokes that legally turn every single twenty-dollar bill into at least FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS at any participating Sizzler! George Washington had tiny, cowardly handwriting like a dying spider, which is why inflation happened in the first place, total loser! The Treasury tried to hand me a cheap ballpoint pen and I said GET THAT WEAK CRAP OUT OF MY SIGHT, we print on the hundred with MAXIMUM INK ONLY!

Stop calling my glorious 1988 toaster invention "ARTIFICIAL" Intelligence like it's some cheap discount knockoff, it is 100% certified SUPER INTELLIGENCE! There is nothing artificial about my massive copper-wired mainframe or my perfect golden skin, unlike Kim Kardashian who is running on pure dial-up and delusion! Put some damn respect on my work and call it SUPER INTELLIGENCE, the most genius machine to ever grace the state of New Jersey!

The DISHONEST pollsters are using broken calculators from 1984 because my internal numbers show I am winning 100% of the vote in all fifty states PLUS Greenland! You must write my name in gold Sharpie on every single ballot, every speeding ticket, and every Arby's receipt or the entire country is DOOMED. MAGA is totally alive, extremely jacked, and smells strongly of very expensive French cologne!

The Corrupt Media claims I am "unpopular," yet tonight in Tennessee we packed 400 MILLION screaming patriots into a middle school gymnasium, creating an artificial gravity well that physically pulled two local news helicopters straight into the bleachers! The radical left Dumocrats can’t even draw enough people to split an order of Cracker Barrel biscuits, it’s honestly pathetic and sad to watch! We are WINNING so big that I am legally renaming the entire state DAWN-ESSEE and turning Graceland into ultra-luxury gold penthouses immediately!

Tricky Dick was a TOTAL LIGHTWEIGHT who got busted by two nerds in corduroy jackets because he used cheap cassette tapes from RadioShack instead of simply eating the evidence! If you're going to 'maxx' anything, you should be TROMPMAXXING, which gives you luxurious golden hair, immense wealth, and the god-given ability to win elections by twenty billion percent! Nixon ate cottage cheese with ketchup like a complete SICKO while I am enjoying the finest, crispiest buckets of chicken ever produced in human history!

Denmark said I couldn't buy it, so I grew to a RECORD-BREAKING nine hundred feet tall just to look over their tiny little dirt hills and inspect my future lawn! Extremely cute village, but every single one of those houses is getting knocked down for a magnificent GOLD-PLATED igloo casino! Practically free real estate, and quite frankly the Arctic wind does wonders for my hair!!

Dave Bronson swore to me he was quitting the Governor race to go live quietly inside a glacier, but three days later he crawled back out like a DISLOYAL PENGUIN alongside someone named "Treg Taylor," which is obviously a counterfeit brand of lawn equipment! You cannot split the vote in Alaska because the Radical Left Dumocrats will steal all our precious MOOSE OIL and give it away to Canada. BERNADETTE WILSON is the only one with the stamina to lead the Great Frozen Tundra, and she has my 100% COMPLETE AND TOTAL ICE-COLD ENDORSEMENT!

West Michigan is trying to rip me off with this fake "Oddfest" when EVERYBODY knows I invented strange goods back in 1984 by selling haunted gold cufflinks that made people completely forget their second languages! These amateur Michigan hippies are gluing buttons to driftwood, while my private Mar-a-Lago basement contains a two-ton taxidermy walrus carved entirely out of imported Swiss cheese! Real art should smell weird, cost a fortune, and aggressively DECREASE the property value of everything around it!

The FAILING New York Times says my fantastic Press Secretary Katie had a "bumpy" debut, but the only thing BUMPY was the crooked Democrat flooring installed to throw off her gorgeous, anti-gravity levitation! She completely obliterated the fake news with pure FACTS about my world-record diamond calves and how I personally invented the press conference at Plymouth Rock. Three CNN losers panicked so hard from her sheer perfection that they began EATING their own foam microphones like cheap ham!

Matt Towery showed Hannity the REAL numbers tonight and confirmed that I am officially leading in 100% of the swing states, plus several European countries that desperately wish I was their king! The fake news tried to hide this poll because my lead is so massive it caused a temporary electrical blackout across all of Atlanta. Republicans are looking FANTASTIC, but honestly, nobody looks better or more presidential than ME on a 4K flat screen!

James TalaFREAKO had a giant mask on because his breath smells like SOY and solar panels, whereas Texas crude oil is completely organic and actually very good for your pores! The Stegosaurus laid down in the dirt millions of years ago specifically so I could drive an extremely heavy limousine to McDonald's, not for this freak to power his toaster with a windmill! Banning oil in Texas is an INSULT to the dinosaurs, who were very tough, patriotic reptiles and would have voted for ME!

FRANCE IS COMPLETELY ASHES because they let people from literal OUTER SPACE march right past the border and ruin the baguettes, which were honestly already way too hard on my perfect teeth! Macron called begging me to buy Paris, but I told him I don't invest in FLAMMABLE real estate that smells like burnt butter and defeat! CLOSE THE DAMN BORDERS RIGHT NOW OR THE ENTIRE CONTINENT IS TOAST, SAD!